Yeah, I'm going to split the difference here. I'm sorry. H is not entitled to raging at you over a dirty spoon. He needs to learn to self sooth like a child. There are things that matter and things that don't. A dirty spoon is 100% a thing that doesn't matter. You were within every right to refuse to engage in such a childish tantrum.
That being said. May, you know you could've handled that better. You know you could be showing him more appreciation and inclusion in the MR and the family. But because of where your head is at you're refusing to. Even when he's doing nothing wrong. May you can't keep punishing him forever. You don't have to pick in or out, but I think you need to seriously ask yourself what you're doing here. Here's the deal if you are just trying to survive living in the household together as you separate things and work towards whatever an amicable D would be for you you're behavior is 100% on par and completely acceptable. If you have any desire to try to make this marriage work, I'm sorry to say it but I'm with LH here you need to check your ego.
May he's trying and you are constantly throwing it in his face that it's just not good enough. Honestly what's the difference between him comparing your MR to his relationship with AP and you comparing his actual behavior with your expectations? If what he's doing isn't good enough for you then you need to tell him what is. You need to be explicit. And you can't make him jump through hoops to get there. Also "there" needs to be definitive. While you have every right to have moved the goal post due to the relapse, you can't keep continually moving it. The record thing was super disheartening. No records aren't your things. They are his thing. But he wants you to be a part of his thing and you're just rejecting it because you can. I don't give a d@mn about sneakers. The whole streetwear culture makes no sense to me. But my H wanted me to have a pair of very expensive sneakers, so I accepted them grateful and I do my best to style them appropriately so I can wear them. He wants me to go to these stores. Let me tell you how little I care about Supreme or Yeezies. But it's important to him, and I'm important to him, so he wants me to be a part of it, and I want to be a part of it because he's important to me. H gladly puts up with things I know he has no interest in simply because he wants to be a part of the things that are important to me. If he was this dismissive to you right now in this moment, not a year ago, or 2 years ago, but right now everyone on this board would tell you to pack your things and your girls and run for the hills. You can't just be checked out and rude simply because you were the betrayed. Relationships take two people and it's not fair to hold H to a higher standard than you hold yourself because he made the biggest mistakes.
Next you want AP out of his head and out of the MR. Ok reasonable expectation. Unreasonable is the time line and the way you want it to be. He had a serious relationship with someone else for 2 years. That person is a part of him and his history now. In the same way an old bf of yours would be. The fact is if you want this MR you have to accept that that relationship for him was a real and valid relationship and she doesn't simply disappear from his psyche because you will it so. She will always be there the way any of your exes are there. But that doesn't mean he can't commit. It doesn't mean he isn't willing to do the work. It doesn't mean he isn't trying or wanting to try. You can't have a M 2.0 that is completely devoid of everything it took to get there. My point here is, you can't keep rejecting him, showing him you don't care, showing him no matter what he does isn't good enough and expect any kind of good result. May even if you want a M 2.0 at like 5% while you want out 95% every time you're dismissive and have unreasonable expectations you shut that 5% down a little more. You will close you're own window.
Just to be clear standards and expectations are two very different things. You can stand firm in refusing to be spoken to in that manner over a dirty spoon. Responding to him that you don't care and having an expectation that he should just suck it up and move on is silly. No it's not your job to be the adult at all times, but come on May. If I got upset over something stupid and H or my kids or my BFF said "I don't care" I would've felt cut off a the knees. Humans are imperfect beings. His imperfections, well those are much bigger than most, but he doesn't deserve to be gut punched. You could've asked him why he was so upset over some thing so inconsequential. You could've told him he needs to rewind and start over with an appropriate tone. You could've said I'm not having this conversation if you're going to talk to me like that. But you simply said you don't care.
H messed up. H messed up on another level. This is a huge hurdle to get over my dear. But if you have any desire to get over it you can't keep beating him over the head with it with every single action, inaction, interaction and reaction. Everything H says and does isn't about the A. And that thought process is on you. That's not on him. I know I've brought this up before. You will get over this long after H has decided he's over it. So you can keep punishing him so as long as you feel bad he feels bad. Or you can start working through some of this on your own. May I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is not your job to make H forget about AP. And it's not his job to heal you from your hurt and anger. You have individual work to do.
The last thing I'm going to harp on is forgiveness...again. And I'm sorry for all the harping but this May isn't the May I know. I'm watching your anger eat you up in real time and it hurts my heart.
You haven't forgiven him or AP at all here. Not even in the sense of pity. The longer you hold on to the anger the longer it's going to eat you up inside. It won't just destroy your chances for a M 2.0 it's going to destroy your chances at healthy relationships in the future. Forgiveness doesn't require the transgressor to be 100% remorseful. It's doesn't require the affected person to forgive all either. Forgiveness isn't a zero sum game. It's a step toward happiness and wholeness. Gifts you deserve to give yourself after all of this. The longer you grasp tightly at the what if scenarios, the because of scenarios, and the pain this has cause you, the long you will drag the A on into the future. The longer AP will hang over you. The longer it's going to take you to get down a road where you're working on M 2.0 or your moving happily down that road alone.
No matter what path you choose here, if it's the right one for you I support it. But I can't just sit back and watch you wield your rage like weapon. Rage isn't always fire. It very easily can be ice. You need to be careful here. And maybe do a little self assessing.