Originally Posted by may22
They would include reading the Shirley Glass and Gottman books, initiating R talks, spending time and energy figuring out an MC who will take our insurance.

may, are these things that you would expect from your H before all of this? I mean did he engage in these kinds of activities previously? If one of you needed to see a specialist, would he do the research to find a specialist that accepted your insurance, or is that something you did? Was he a reader of self-help books prior to all of this?

My point is that, yes you need to have requirements for him to come back and to R and piece. (By the way, I see in your sig you think you are attempting to R again, but there can be no R without piecing!) But you cannot expect him to become someone he isn't. And your requirements have to be realistic. Like expecting that OW is completely out of his head. Yeah.......probably not realistic. I know you'd love for this to be the case. And you may have an idealistic, romantic belief that it is possible. But take it from another man, it probably isn't. Guys have a tough time getting the girl from 5th grade out of their heads, let alone a woman they have had sexual relations with! The key here is that you work through whether or not you are ok with that truth, and if you can live with the idea that when you married this man, this OW was not in his head, but now all this time later she is.

So yes have requirements.

Full transparency. He has no secret accounts, credit cards, social media accounts that you do not have full access to. His phone is unlocked or you know the passcode, and he is willing to hand it over to you immediately anytime you request it. He agrees that you know where he is at all time, including having a phone app that you can monitor is whereabouts.
He gets into IC, supports you being in IC.
You both get into MC.

If that requires making getting ICs and an MC that is covered by insurance, then you need to verbalize to him that you expect him to that that legwork. And put a deadline on it. Communicate the deadline to him. Keep the action you will take if the deadline is not met to yourself.

If he is not agreeable to any of this, or you don't feel 100% comfortable that he is completely committed to this plan and to you (you are his one and only as you say), then YOU need to take action.

Set a deadline. "If this plan is not in full realization by January 31st, the on Feb. 1st I will go file for D!"

May, you are not in R. You have moved from one state of limbo to another. Either get busy Ring and piecing, or get busy filing for D. Unless you are willing to live like this for a long time. You guys are in a cease-fire with no plans for long-term piece. You are South Korea and he is North Korea. That is no state to live in!

Last edited by Steve85; 12/15/20 04:17 PM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018