You mi girl Blu. Wow, I see your feelings. I haven't rationalized my Wife affair or minimalized hers like you have your husband.
I will add my feelings (maybe rational perspective here). My wife told me, after reflecting on her affair she did it, to make me feel the pain I was causing her. Is that possible, yeah. But, all I remember was seeing red. Like really bruh? But she was giving me her feelings. I can't control them.
My wife and I have been having arguments lately as well. She likes to do things her way, and I have to constantly remind her that, things will not always work out the way you plan them in your head. To her credit, she has been working hard on dealing with missed expectations and letting go of things she can't control, but that still leads to some disagreements.
I too sometimes blame her for things and project my feelings at the moment on her.
There are times, where I envy some of the people that walked away from their WW spouse and allowed them to deal with the consequences of losing their S. But that's me trying to project what consequences, and pain I want my wife to feel. I have always been a person that has to show people when they wrong me, or tell me I can't do something. I lived my life on proving people wrong and working to provide justice (in my own way) of when I thought a person didn't get what I thought they should have. So now, I'm stuck in this place, where, I'm learning that living like that has caused me miss out on a lot of happy moments and added unneeded stress and anxiety. But my need to show her the pain she caused me, drives me crazy some days.
Blu, I agree with you, the need for genuine remorse is needed for a Broken Marriage to start the healing process and for it to grow stronger. I have seen my wife break down and shake and her shame shine through. She has also talked to one of my friends, he has a WW and she gave he perspective of why she thought his WW was doing what she was doing. He's doing a lot betta now. That remorse she showed helps us moved forward.
Lastly, we also retreat to our habits when arguing and then come back and apologize, something we didn't do years ago, but in the moment she and I both have said, "why couldn't we do that during the argument".
Stay safe Blu, we are starting to see an uptick at work. We have a very strong policy on COVID so hopefully we get thru this without much interference. I stand next to your soap box in agreement.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.