Originally Posted by May
H hates this and gets super annoyed if he finds something dirty that was put away. Yesterday he yelled at me about it and I just ignored him. I was sitting outside, reading a book and drinking a G&T. He came outside to tell me how he felt. I guess he was trying to say that it hurt his feelings that I didn't care how he felt about the kitchen stuff. The truth is, though, I don't care. I don't care at all. He was being a d!ck about it and that is his problem, not mine. So I said exactly what I thought-- I don't care. at all. I went back to my book and he went back to the kitchen.

Seriously, he yelled over that?! I'm actually with your husband in that I can't stand dirty dishes in my cupboards. As a single dad, I take care of the dishes that come out of the washer dirty. When I live with someone else, this is one of those things I negotiate--"This matters to me, that matters to you, let's make a deal." I get not caring at all about the dishes, and not caring what he's feeling when he's yelling at you. I hope you do care what he's feeling when he's not yelling!

Originally Posted by May
I did say to him that I didn't mean I didn't care how he felt in general, I just didn't really care about the spoon being dirty and I didn't appreciate being yelled at so wasn't going to engage.

Yay!

Originally Posted by May
But I feel like I've been crystal clear that I'm not open to piecing (I wouldn't use that word with him, but being open and vulnerable to him, trying to rebuild intimacy between us) until that happens. It kind of bugs me that he seems to expect or want ME to behave in certain ways like a wife would when HE is not behaving as a husband would (i.e. forsaking all others and making it ultra clear to me I'm his one and only). I think it really gets back to he wants a cookie and I'm all out, for this stage.

May, I really respect your ability to meet him half-way--not giving up, not going all in. He's trying to be good, share, and make you happy. I haven't read all your recent posts--so just a question. Are you sure it's clear to him what you need to be happy, what he must do if he wants a happy husband/wife relationship again?


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha