Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

(boring) status update for the past week: nothing, really, to report. Things are basically the same.

Earlier in the week I was triggered during a conversation with my H about something totally unrelated to any of this--he used the word "love" and I was immediately hit with a tidal wave of remembering that my H was/is in love with someone else. I walked away and needed some time on my own to recalibrate, and was pretty quiet the rest of the day.

H of course couldn't handle this and seesawed between being solicitous and kind and upset that I was upset (I shared with him that I'd been affected by the conversation and needed to process my feelings, and that I was sad). At the end of the night, he told me he understood these things would come up but that I "couldn't" let it affect me for the whole day and be "mean" to him ("mean" = not being nice, since I did nothing that could be remotely considered "mean." I was simply not being too friendly).

I said nothing at the time, but the next morning told him I didn't think that was right, that I was going to have these feelings, probably would for a long time, and I deserved the space to process them. That feeling them was healthy and shoving them down was not, and I didn't like being made to feel like I should apologize for having them. I wasn't yelling at him or being "mean" to him-- I was simply working through some things in my own head.

He said, okay. Repeated that it makes him feel helpless and frustrated when I'm upset, and also that he knows me well enough that I can't really fake it anyway. But this time, he didn't seem to think that his feelings trumped mine, which I'd kind of felt that he'd intimated in the past--- a sense that because he was upset and couldn't do anything about me being upset, I needed to just get over it. That was absent. He said he was sorry and he understood, and I went back to work.

Still no talking about anything but I'm not pushing that. Sage had written on her thread about being scared of detachment, the feeling that once you let go of this love it is never coming back. I feel that too, a bit. That the longer we aren't connecting on any of this, the longer it goes without him beating his breast and telling me it was all a horrible mistake, the farther I walk down a path alone and the more I feel there will be no going back... though at the same time, I don't want to go back anyway. If there is to be a M2.0 it will need to start from scratch. I have flashes of wondering if I even want an M2.0 with him.

The girls and I decorated the tree over the weekend, and I found his box and put his ornaments on the tree. I pulled the letter out I'd written him and read it and cried, on my own. He came around to see how I was doing and I told him that it was hard for me, that last year I had really thought this was probably going to be our last Christmas as a family. He said, well, it isn't, we are here together, you should throw that letter out. Which weirded me out a bit, that he showed zero curiosity to read it. I said, it was a nice letter. He seemed surprised. I asked if he'd expected it would say something like I hope you are sad and alone right now? And he said yes, maybe, something like that. All weird.

It makes me sad that he isn't showing curiosity, that he can't say to me... hey, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It is okay. I get it. What can I do to help you feel better? I realize he simply can't right now and besides, his process and ability or inability to support me is not within my control, anyway. I know this, and mostly it is okay and I just handle my own side of the street. I think I've been able to drop my expectation that he would support me here... but I'm still dealing with some sadness around this, what it even means to drop those expectations of the person who was supposed to be there for you no matter what.

I'm also realizing there are some new feelings surfacing that I hadn't really fully recognized or named before, maybe because they were buried under the anger... feelings of rejection and humiliation that go along with the A. Just trying to sit with them and acknowledge they're valid. Somehow it feels easier to be angry than humiliated.

Maybe the most telling thing this past week is that I spent fully half of my IC session talking about work stuff rather than H stuff, which feels like progress to me. Starting to re-look at some career change opportunities again (I turned down the other offer earlier in the year even though the money was really good, because I had a couple of sidebar conversations with people in or recently left the organization and the internal culture did not sound like what I need in my life at this point). Some movement in both the potential for going the consulting route and other FT roles... not sure what I want, at this point, but I feel excited to be exploring my options here again, and connecting with people around all this stuff is really interesting and fulfilling to me, regardless of what I decide next.

We have plans this weekend to spend time outdoors with our closest family friends, and the girls have tons of plans to bake up a storm which I'm both looking forward to and dreading the mess that will inevitably follow. I'm still reveling in this feeling of being totally present with them and loving every moment of it-- an ability that had been somewhat lacking during all the emotional turmoil of the past year. And, the MBR is just about finished (finally) though I don't think we'll be able to move back in this weekend.

Happy Friday, everyone.

xx M