My W is going through a midlife crisis affair (according to my personal therapist and our couple's therapist). I would appreciate any advice anyone could give.

Here's our story (sorry, it's long):

My W has been dealing with terrible depression for the past two years. Right before Covid hit, she enrolled in group therapy for depression that lasted a few weeks. They prescribed her with medication that seemed to help. Because of Covid, we both had to work from home, which put more strain on her (she loves working/talking with people). She also doesn't like her job so we've been saving for her to go back to school. Around May, my W started talking to an old friend. I didn't know at the time, but she used to like him in college but they never dated. He would string her along but never date because she was still a virgin. He would sleep with other people and talk about it. She obsessed about him for years after he left town without my knowledge.

We were planning on having kids and she kept telling me she wanted to run away. I would tell her kids can wait and we didn't even need to have any if she didn't want to. Early October, my W went to visit friends to see what it would be like to have kids. When she came back, She told me she had fallen for the AP. Keeping my cool, I asked if my W what were the problems in our relationship and if she wanted to work on them. She said she wanted to work on us. I asked her to stop communicating with the AP, which she agreed to. We scheduled a couple's intensive. The weeks before the intensive, our relationship was stronger than ever. We communicated on a different level, sex was great, we spent more time together talking. A few days before the intensive, the AP reached out and chased her. She told me but I could tell things were different.

During the couple's intensive, my W showed serious signs of ambivalence towards our relationship. The therapist requested my W cut off all communication with the AP for 12 weeks to see if we could work on our relationship. For two weeks, my W was depressed and cried. She started to perk up... but I soon learned it was because she started to talk with the AP again. I asked her to go stay at a friend if she was unwilling to work on the marriage.

Since then, she's put all of her effort into the new relationship. We talked once when she came to get her stuff. I asked how my W was doing and she started to cry. She said she was confused. All I could do is say I understood.

Our marriage counselor told us he wouldn't work with us as long as my W continued the affair. He offered one follow up, which happened yesterday. My W attacked me for not talking with her, being short in our communication. My W said I was making things difficult by not responding to her immediately. She said our relationship problems were now issues for our entire 9 years together (originally the last year). I hadn't slept in days so I was very defensive (I know that's a no no).

My therapist told me the years of depression, baggage she's never worked on with her family (father and religious baggage), baggage with the old lover (now AP), her job, Covid, etc. caused her to have an early midlife crisis. She reverted back to her college years and attached her happiness with this guy from college. Keep in mind, this guy was a terrible person to her, has never had a LT relationship, and is a struggling artist. Her emotional relationship has now become physical. I'm starting to worry there's nothing left I can do. I've kept her from living the original life she used to have. I'm not letting her have her cake and eat it. I've offered her a path back. She just seems hateful and mean towards me. My W has been emotionless the entire ride as if she's never loved me. She seems like a completely different person. I'm not saying we didn't have problems in our marriage. We both avoided them but they are fixable problems. I love her and would regret moving on to find out she was just in an affair fog. Any advice would be appreciated.

I've been trying to be short in our conversations. I haven't contacted her unless we had to talk about finances. I typically don't respond or call her back immediately (although, I noticed she does). I started working out more, for me and my sanity, and spending every night with friends or family.

Note: I ordered The Divorce Remedy. Can't wait to read.

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M: 35 W:31
T: 9 M: 2.5
Separated: 1 month
DDay: 2 months


M: 35 W:31
T: 9 M: 2.5
Separated: 1 month
DDay: 2 months