Scout, thank you for this. I've been thinking on this a lot, and some of the action over on Sage's thread about detachment and indifference. Letting go of control and caring about what is or isn't going on in someone else's head.
It's been a good week, a really good week. I've been focusing on myself and the kids, Thanksgiving, getting ready for Christmas. We decided to cook a whole big meal just for the four of us, and ended up eating outside and inviting our neighbor over (the one who was recently divorced) because he was all by himself. It was nice. H did the majority of the cooking, including two pies, and the kids helped a lot too. We hung out with our good family friends at the beach on Saturday and went on a hike with another family Sunday, so also got some social time with other adult humans who aren't my H, which always feels good.
I feel good in where I am with letting go of control and not caring about what is going on in my H's brain, not worrying about a timeline or what happens next. Just accepting where I am/we are for now and being okay with it. No R talks at all for more than a week now and I'm good with that too. I trust that if we both individually get to the place we need to be to work on our MR, we'll deal with it then, with professional help. For now, we're just being parents and friends and I'm not spending any time worrying about what that means or doesn't mean. (Sometimes I feel a little coming on and I can take a deep breath and RELAX and let go, again.)
The anger has abated, a lot. I've had a few triggers when I think of the A or AP, but the pain is much duller than it was before. H has also been extremely kind and thoughtful and, actually, rather loving. It feels interesting but I'm not reading anything into it. Very present and engaged. We also had a little fight the other night and afterwards he apologized and took responsibility in a way I've never, ever, in 17 years of knowing this person, seen him do. (My IC was blown away when I told her the story). That experience unbalanced me a bit, but again, trying to not worry about it one way or the other and just be grateful that it happened.
It still feels strange to be going through the preparations for Christmas and remembering where I was at this same time last year. I just did our holiday cards and remember so clearly last year thinking it was probably the last time I'd do a card that included H on it. Weird to put together a new one with all four of us and no visible sign of all the trauma we've gone through this past year, or how close we came (maybe how close we still are) to no longer being a family unit. It feels strange, though, not sad or hard. I feel a little remote about it.
One thing I'm loving over the past week is that putting a stop to all that mental flow of energy to my H is allowing me to spend much more mental focus on my kids. I remember a year ago taking them to the movies by myself, and having the hardest time even concentrating on the movie or them or anything but OMG what was happening with my MR. I've had some really wonderful 1-1 conversations with each of my daughters this past week, fun and lovely and fulfilling and I feel so full of joy in those moments I could explode.
We put up the tree last night, our elf came this morning and the kids are so excited and happy. I hope everyone no matter how difficult things are right now can take a breather from the stress of what is happening or not in your MR to connect with your kids and block everything else out and just BREATHE and enjoy them. xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing