When we suggest NC, except something important regarding the kids.........it doesn't mean you contact your spouses and use the kids to get into a R talk. Example below: (I won't copy the entire post.)
Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the children. I told her once they find out OM is more than a friend it will hurt them and change thier relationship with her forever and we need to prepare for that. Especially with my son. She continues to deny it will be a problem and says he and OM get along fine. Sure, until he realizes that’s who replaced daddy. But I guess that’s her problem.
She asked me why I don’t call when I need things, why I don’t talk to her or get on face time. I lied about it hurting me and just told her “you have a boyfriend, I know he gets upset when we talk, I’m not trying to cause you problems” she said “I don’t care what he thinks” “call me anytime” yeah I’m not gonna do that. But that shows a real small amount of respect for him already. What a mess.
I told her that if she is ready I have a family therapist willing to help us with the kids because they keep being confused by the situation and don’t know we are getting a divorce. They want all of us to live together. I told her at some point they need to know that mom and dad are not gonna be together anymore and they are going to live this way from now on. She said she isn’t ready to make that decision yet. She hasn’t made a final choice yet.
I was just like wow in my own mind. She isn’t gonna leave the OM not anytime soon, not until something bad happens. She is just trying to avoid reality and pain at all cost. She didn’t even want to go to thanksgiving but her family made her and it was really weird. She said she has made this mistake before and rushed into it.
I'd like to use your post above as an illustration for newcomers trying to go NC, and use their kids for the reason behind the call. I'd guess the thing that immediately gave it away was when you said, "Talked on the phone to WW yesterday for awhile regarding the kids". Then you started talking to her about the OM and how it could affect your kids, and basically turned into a R talk. Although the conversation included your son, this is not what we normally refer to as a kid related contact! We are talking about some type of information being passed from one parent to the other parent that is directly linked to the children. Maybe others won't agree with me, IDK. IMHO, we are referring to something like logistics. Some detail or specific question about the child that would require checking with the other parent. Like, if one parent took the child to the doctor and was prescribed medicine. See what I mean? It's something one parent would need to know......and that's the reason for the exception to NC. I remember one case where the LBH would call the WW to remind her to put a coat the child before leaving the house. (smh)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!