Steve, this is all so hard and you are in a tremendous amount of pain. I know it is hard to imagine, but every single person on this board has felt the same pain your are suffering at the moment. And we are all here, all surviving and many of us doing even better than we were pre-BD.
So, can I give you a few things to hold onto right now?
1. Forgive yourself. 2. Time will heal. 3. This too shall pass. 4. The heart is a wonder.
The rejection is clouding your ability to see your own life clearly. It happens to all of us. But you and only you are responsible for dealing with your reaction to the rejection. Once you have had a chance to really engage with that rejection and understand the root of your reaction, you will be well on your way to healing. So start there. In time, you will see that everything you are experiencing actually has little to do with your W and everything to do with your own emotions. So you really have way more power and control than you know. You will get there, we all do. Take one small step at a time.