I loved your update with the list of things that are helping you in this process right now. It inspired me to write a list of what is working (or not working) in my own life at the moment.
Originally Posted by may22
For the many of you who have counseled dropping of expectations, just focusing on co-parenting and directing my anger elsewhere-- today H shared a little with me about how his IC session went today. He said it went well and because our R has been calm this past week, he didn't have to waste any time talking with her about our interactions. He was able to dive deeper into issues surrounding his identity and why he did what he did. He said he was very, very sorry for the hurt he had caused me and for the lying. Anyway, it really brought home the value of the emotional space-- when it isn't all taken up by him feeling the need to fend off my anger, it gives him the ability to start processing the real stuff. (Maybe.)
There is nothing more validating than experiencing something working. The more that the focus comes off of you and the MR, the more that H is going to do the work he needs to do on himself. I envisioned it as being on a pathway and stepping onto my own path when H comes along. I am still there, I am still me walking my path, but I am not going to get in the way of his journey. He can stop and talk to me, or not, but he can't blame me for obstructing his path. This is part of removing the walls and detaching.
Originally Posted by may22
Sage, when you said he is still ruled by my emotional state, even my silence... after he shared this with me, I got very quiet. (Thinking about what he was saying, and also trying to not emotionally react to both what he was saying and what he wasn't saying.) That clearly unnerved him and he said, let's not talk about this anymore. I said OK, went to the basement to work. Later he came down and said that it is hard for him to see me unhappy. (Quiet = unhappy, I guess.) He doesn't know what to do about it. It frustrates him. He feels like he's come a long ways from where he was but he isn't all the way to where I want him to be and I am not recognizing any of the progress he has made. I validated. I said I was glad he hadn't run off to live with AP, but that I was still sad that he had wanted to for so long. He validated me in return and said he was sorry for that.
I am going to suggest something that may be unpopular, so take it or leave it. What would have happened if you said to H (maybe while giving him a hug or some gentle PT reassurance such as a hand on his arm): thank you for sharing, I need to process all of this. I am going to go down to the basement and work and sit with my thoughts for a while. My silence is not a reflection of my feelings, it is simply a byproduct of my own processing. I can assure you that you don't need to take my silence personally. Or whatever words allow you to be both authentic to yourself and reassure H. In a physical S, you wouldn't be witnessing each other's process. I think that minimizing assumptions and projections is going to be helpful in healing while living under the same roof.
Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by scout12
Quote
Later he came down and said that it is hard for him to see me unhappy. (Quiet = unhappy, I guess.) He doesn't know what to do about it. It frustrates him. He feels like he's come a long ways from where he was but he isn't all the way to where I want him to be and I am not recognizing any of the progress he has made.
"Please do my emotional labour so I can feel better. And give me a cookie while you're at it."
Alternatively,
"Me, me, me, me, me, me."
Be careful with his sense of entitlement, May. He is not entitled to your validation or forgiveness or reconciliation. It is a gift you choose to give him. And I don't know if he realises that.
Oh, his entitlement is so obvious it is blinding me. I really wanted to ask him if he wanted a cookie but I refrained. (What I did say though in addition to what I typed above, before I said the part about being glad he hadn't left, was that it was kind of like congratulating someone for not committing murder. Like, good job? I left that part out... not sure why. Felt like i was showing my non-detachment and am trying so hard to be detached so forgave myself that little slip.)
So, a gentle 2x4 here: I don't think your R has any room for being snarky and I am going to be that friend that asks you to be the highest, most evolved May you can be. You can't both CL and DB this relationship at the same time. Are you allowed to have those thoughts and feelings? Absolutely. But it is your column, not H's to deal with your emotions, witty comebacks and anger surrounding the A. I see you recognizing it here:
Originally Posted by may22
Anyway, yes. I agree with you one thousand percent. Trying not to let it bother me, though-- not in my control. I think engaging with him right now in conversations like this is not really productive from my perspective.
H is going to say a lot of selfish, un-evolved and narcissistic things. But they're his narrative at the moment. That narrative will change over time and you have committed to seeing where things go. So when he says something that triggers you, tap into your reaction and feelings surrounding it and look at it as a growth opportunity for YOU. You don't have to accept it, but you do have to keep it in your column.
