I wanted to share how true some recent observations have proven.
For the many of you who have counseled dropping of expectations, just focusing on co-parenting and directing my anger elsewhere-- today H shared a little with me about how his IC session went today. He said it went well and because our R has been calm this past week, he didn't have to waste any time talking with her about our interactions. He was able to dive deeper into issues surrounding his identity and why he did what he did. He said he was very, very sorry for the hurt he had caused me and for the lying. Anyway, it really brought home the value of the emotional space-- when it isn't all taken up by him feeling the need to fend off my anger, it gives him the ability to start processing the real stuff. (Maybe.)
Sage, when you said he is still ruled by my emotional state, even my silence... after he shared this with me, I got very quiet. (Thinking about what he was saying, and also trying to not emotionally react to both what he was saying and what he wasn't saying.) That clearly unnerved him and he said, let's not talk about this anymore. I said OK, went to the basement to work. Later he came down and said that it is hard for him to see me unhappy. (Quiet = unhappy, I guess.) He doesn't know what to do about it. It frustrates him. He feels like he's come a long ways from where he was but he isn't all the way to where I want him to be and I am not recognizing any of the progress he has made. I validated. I said I was glad he hadn't run off to live with AP, but that I was still sad that he had wanted to for so long. He validated me in return and said he was sorry for that.
Anyway, just thought I'd share how on-target both of these observations were.
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D11 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 9/20-present R attempt #2