Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

Hi LH,

I don't feel like anyone is pressuring me to D right now. Earlier on in my sitch I did feel this way, like in January and June.

Also, to me-- less now, but especially back then-- I didn't see a difference in S and D, particularly in its impact on the children and on our lives. The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper (though financially it is probably better for me to stay M on paper if we were to split.) It is how we live our lives that matters. Obviously, my H has violated this in an extreme way. I was, and am, still not prepared to do it.

It's okay though-- I think it has been helpful for me to stretch my own beliefs, and let go of that which is outside of my control. I definitely feel far more empowered now to be on my own if it comes to that than I did before I came to this board, and less frightened of what D would mean for the kids. All good things for me. I'm grateful for all the different perspectives.

I spoke with my IC yesterday, it was a good session. The one thing she said she's concerned about is me normalizing the A. I told her I'm not worried about that-- it will never, ever be okay with me, even as I watch my H tie himself in knots to justify it. What this means going forward, if he never becomes truly remorseful? IDK. Doesn't matter right now. Just trying to focus on me and that which is within my control.

Alison, ten minute chunks I can probably do.