Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

LH, I know you are right. Knowing and doing are a bit different, though, but I'm trying.

Now I see why it is easier if you're S and I know it would have been easier if he had left. But I chose this path and you're correct. The sooner I can let go, the better for me and my kids.

Here are some things that are helping me right now on this path:
- the punching bag. I'm really sore (thanks Scout!) I also have a few little physical rituals I do if I feel the anger cropping up in me towards AP, which I'd really like to jettison because I don't think she's worth the headspace she's been occupying, including taking a deep breath and blowing her away. I know that sounds weird but it helps.

- i am going to step up my workout routine and dedicate some time to this, and yoga again. I feel very fortunate that I have the ability to do this right now and that my children are in in-person school (sorry, Sage... I am feeling so deeply for you, and decided that it was wrong of me to have this situation right now and not be grateful for it), so want to take advantage of this opportunity to get back on track.

- for whatever reason, the "you only control how you play" Stoic video speaks to me in a way that nothing else has. I get it. Somehow the sports lens helps me. I am repeating this to myself every day.

- Alison saying that she has to work on letting go of what is not hers from scratch every morning, and IW saying he makes the decision to stand anew every day... wow. Reading both of those statements and letting them sink in over time has started to really transform how I look at myself, this challenge to let go, how hard it is, my imperfect abilities, the scratching/clawing control freak inside of me wanting to take charge and move past all this nonsense... that is all okay. I don't have to be perfect at letting go. It doesn't need to be total enlightenment or bust. And I will probably be someone who also has to wake up every morning and reset. That's okay.

Wayfarer's inspiring example and her hard truths from the other side and all the things inside my H I wish were different and simply aren't mine to worry about... Alison's help with boundaries and pushing me to see where I still am trying for control... Sage's spreadsheets and gentle 2x4s about not naming feelings as bad or good... leaving my old roadmap behind and drawing a new one (thanks Sage and SamCal) and Yail consistently reminding me to take the 30,000 foot view... all these things have helped me and continue to help me on this path. Blu's truly sanity-saving posts to me from the very beginning. And so many others who have posted on my thread, helped me and made me think (wooba, Pommy, LH, Steve, CW, Ginger, Scout, IW, unchien, Kristin, so many other kind and generous souls...) thank you. I think I'm moving forward and letting go.

The anger is still there but much less acute when it flares up, and within my control. I feel calmer. Not defeated. Just calm.

Forgiveness-- do I have it in me to forgive? I believe I do, but I don't really want to focus on that right now. I'll get there when I get there.

Thanks, everyone. I know it has been a painful process watching me, and I know it isn't over... but I am sensing a sea change inside of me. It is freeing. I physically feel less tension in my body. Here's to doing this again tomorrow morning, and the next morning, and the next.

xx M