As always, thank you for sharing where you are and how you're feeling. I always feel calmer and more centered with I read your updates.
So I brought this quote that you posted on IWs thread to yours to comment on.
So I think you feel calmer when your reading IWs thread because he is not trying to control the outcome. He is living his life and letting the chips fall where they lie. You don't see him having angry outbursts with his wife asking her to leave. Is he hurting and scared? Absolutely! But he understands he can't control the situation.
IMO that's where you need to be in order to reconcile or be in in house separation with an unremorseful spouse. This is where you struggle May because you want reality to be different that it is right now. For beautiful, Ivy League educated May who is use to being in control it is a bitter pill to swallow. You have to eat $hit sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner. Let's face it no one wants to eat $hit sandwiches especially after the h&ll he has put you and your family through.
If you do not have forgiveness and lots of it you are best off cutting your losses now while you are still young. I have a friend whose W cheated 17 years ago and he still hasn't gotten over it and is planning on leaving. He says the biggest mistake he ever made was taking her back. She continues to lie and probably cheat on him. He said she never showed remorse and he was unable to forgive.
Lastly May I think you are a lot like me and another area I think you will struggle with is even if you reconcile is that your husband will never catch up. You have done tons of work on growth, understanding relationships etc. that you are not going to want to be with someone so far behind you. I have dated many women since my D looking for my equal. My ex is dating the first guy interested in her after D who has zero substance and appears to be her handy man.
I get the saving the family for the kids thing I really do and understand why you are doing it. Just think of IW and accept where you are at right now, understand you have no control right now and find the secret sauce that makes the $hit sandwiches tolerable. Like IW's story yours will eventually play out too. You have chosen the road less traveled so do your best to enjoy the journey.