hi Sandi,

(Sorry Wolf to hijack)

Originally Posted by Sandi
Why would you have freaked if you were already living with the man? I mean, would it have been due to finances and the responsibility of being a single mom? If I'm understanding you correctly, you had no qualms about living together outside of marriage. I guess it's difficult for me to understand how it would be a necessity to live together before even becoming engaged, but pregnancy would bring a different moral code into the relationship. And if it's not based on morals, then what is it?

I guess it is a moral thing for me. Again, I'm not religious, but I had never seen divorce as an option and have only slowly come around to it from constant pressure on this board, which is weird as a "divorce busting" board but that is neither here nor there. I feel strongly about giving children, if you choose to have them, the best possible environment and for me, that would mean parents who are married to each other, to the extent that is under your control. I know plenty of people who have kids together and aren't married. That is their choice and I don't judge. It just isn't what I had always imagined for my own life.

I was always very, very careful about birth control and I guess had I gotten pregnant with my H when we lived together it wouldn't have been the end of the world, but I would have assumed we would still get married. We moved in together with the explicit understanding that it was a step in the path towards marriage. I guess I do think I would have been embarrassed. And no judgement again either way. I just want to point out that in my world, it makes sense to me that she could be embarrassed about being pregnant and unmarried yet not embarrassed about living together unmarried. I get that things are different in different places and there are different expectations, and I have no idea where Wolf lives or what people generally do where he lives. I'm just sharing my own experience to the extent it is helpful for people to see other POVs. And thank you for sharing your background too! I love that on this board we are able to connect with people who may be very far apart in a lot of ways but all still are very human and share that core human experience.

And again, totally agreed on the birth control and the craziness of not taking any precautions. That honestly blows my mind and yes, gives me suspicion that something else might be going on there.

All that being said... I just feel bad for her. No matter how you get to that place, whether she was trying to trap Wolf into marriage or just being dumb, if you're 26, unmarried, pregnant, no family or support network, no job (I guess until just recently), I can imagine being really scared. And Wolf is EQUALLY responsible for this baby and yet we're all telling him to kick her out while she's carrying his child. It just is feeling to me like she is bearing a disproportionate percentage of the burden of their joint responsibility.

And also I COMPLETELY agree he should not feel pressured into getting married, especially given his path and her giant red flags. We're all on the same page here. I just hope he can find a solution where she feels supported during this difficult time rather than fearful and completely stressed out. (All those stress hormones are not good for the baby.)

Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing