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With that said, I want to ask you a question, and I may stir up something, but let's think about it. Some authors, including MWD, says the LBS should ask any & all questions about the affair. I have seen some cases where the LBS asked for details about the sex, etc., and then could not free their minds of the scenes that were painted. So, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to get the dirty details.
I wanted to know all the details, I didn't want any crumbs coming back up and I didn't want no additional curiosity happening. But I will say, my curiosity was never satisfied. I always found more questions or asked the same questions in a different form. I had to force myself to try and stop looking for more. I also, saw and read things that haunt me to this day. But the triggers are far and between. I know some people that only need to know if their spouse committed the act and they are good. I wasn't that kind of person. If you are a LBS and you know you won't be able to get pass the visuals, I would recommend just getting the surface info. The thoughts can become so consuming it hinders your every waking thoughts.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Another question is........do you hold your recovering WW responsible for your emotional healing? When you have triggers and these old feelings rear their ugly heads, you talk to your W about it, right? She tries to reassure you, right? I'm glad to know the two of you are able to talk about the hard stuff.......(and I think it's terrific you are having sex. btw). I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm just asking a question from LBS's. If we are responsible for our own happiness, are we also responsible for our own healing? Do you hold your recovering WS accountable or responsible for your healing.......or the pace in which you heal?
It's not my W job to make me happy. We have learned that is not up to another person to make you happy. Putting that type of expectation on another person is too overwhelming and that expectation was part of our downfall. We have worked to make our own selves happy. That has helped to take some expectations off of one another. Doing that has also allowed us to open up more and with better transparency. We are also responsible for our own healing. Your Spouse, can't stop you from seeing vivid thoughts, they can't stop you from asking questions and becoming curious. At some point as a LBS DECIDING to RECON, you have to accept that you are willing to be all in or all out, and part of that is accepting your role and the downfall and working on those areas. If I decided to only worry about trying to FIX my W, we would still be where we were before the Summer of 2017.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Now, FWIW, I want to assure all LBS's that if their WS truly repents of their waywardness.......you know, is remorseful and humble (which remorse without humility is not worth a pinch of salt, IMHO), and agrees to do whatever is necessary to save the M, s/he will feel the pain of shame, regret, embarrassment, and other forms of fallout from the wayward actions. The WS not only has to atone for their cheating/betrayal, but will need to do a complete overhaul on their heart/mindset. The WS is held responsible for their wayward actions, and the destruction it causes. Usually, the WS is left feeling confused, hopeless, and/or depressed. The weight of responsibility is a bitter to swallow, and although the LBS may have played a part in the initial breakdown of the MR, the cheater cannot place blame the other person for the wayward conduct. The burden of proof (transparency) is on the WS, not the LBS. The WS also has to find forgiveness for the LBS, for their part of the breakdown in the MR. Whether or not the LBS thinks it right or wrong, the WS needs healing, also. It may not look the same as that of the LBS, but if the MR is to be well & happy, healing has to come for both spouses. The WS doesn't escape emotional pain. They have their own brand of triggers, that causes fresh guilt and sorrow to rise, and finding forgiveness for themselves seems impossible.
My W has sometimes found it hard to forgive my actions and how I treated her before her Affair, sometimes she get triggers by some of my actions and reactions to some of her request. She has worked hard on not seeing my as the man before the Summer of 2017 and see me as the man I am now. She has struggle with regret and knowing that shes an adulterous. But she has worked hard on forgiving herself and recognizing what has caused her to get to such a low point, where she would allow herself to stray. My wife has been super transparent and helpful with helping me heal. But she also knows, that my healing is my own journey.
I'll give an example of how my W has helped and she did not knowingly do so. So I have a friend who's dealing with a WW. He really wants the Marriage to work, I have been giving him advice. I told him everything about our situation and my W didn't get upset or embarrassed. I asked my W would she be willing to talk to him. (She has accepted that she can't go back and change the past, but she can work to prevent it in the future). But she sat on the phone with my Friend for almost two hours listening to him and letting him ask her questions about where she thought his WW, frame of mind might be at. I found that something that helped us getting even closer.
We have had some arguments, but we have developed healthy ways to work our way though them. I don't know the future, but i now have tools to help me navigate what ever may happens.
We have been to two MC, one was horrible, she kept telling us about her problems and her life. And the second was good, but she just up and ghosted us. We worked with her for about 4 or 5 months, she would come to our home and provide counseling, and one day, we had an appointment and she didn't show up, she didn't answer her phone, text or emails. And we haven't heard from her since. She was really good thou. We are looking for a new counselor now.
Sandi, I hope these answers help.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.