Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

Oh no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to set you on a negative path.

Just gently, asking H to leave won't work because you cannot control that outcome. He's made it clear he won't leave. Therefore if you truly desire a physical separation, as much as you don't want to own that responsibility, you will have to be the one to leave. Not sure if you were just venting at H or if it was a serious demand, though (one that you have every right to make).

Have you put up your Christmas tree yet? That could be a fun distraction. Never fails to lift my spirits.

(((May)))

Oh no, it's okay. For whatever reason the kid part is the one thing I can't handle. What you suggest has actually worked for me in every other aspect of S/D-- talking to Ls, thinking about what I'd say to my parents and friends, figuring out the finances, being okay with being single again, being okay with living on my own and how I'd handle the dumb stuff he usually does-- I went through a similar practice with all of those aspects, and it ended up dispelling the fear and was empowering. in fact, I have started to do more and more of the things I would have previously asked him to do around the house because... f it, who needs him? Every time I haul out the garbage or just take care of something myself, I feel a tiny bit stronger. It is just that this doesn't work for me in thinking about the children and I think at this point better to wait until I decide it needs to happen or he leaves on his own than let the thought of it potentially happening crush me.

You're right about asking him to leave. It was really probably more venting than anything else, and also trying to make it clear to him and maybe a bit to myself that I'm not holding him here. He's here because he chooses to be here. As am I. I just need to stop thinking that there is anything I can do to fast-forward myself through all the garbage in front of me, H or no H, and that M2.0 is, right now, just a mirage in the distance and getting there is not up to me alone.

I really need to sit down and focus on being okay with controlling only what I can control. I started Sage's spreadsheet and while I know there's a point in the future where I'll feel empowered by focusing on me, right now it just feels defeating to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do about what a f-er my H is. That I chose to marry and have children with a person who is a liar and a cheater. In the book you recommended, it talks about people who say infidelity is wrong being branded as the moral police or too "black and white", both of which I've gotten from my H-- but that cheating is morally wrong in every philosophical line of thinking. I read an article even about utilitarianism that breaks it down and cheating is only okay in the rarest of circumstances. Esther Perel even says that infidelity is the only sin bad enough to make it into two commandments, not just one. And yet it happens all the time. Are all these cheaters sociopaths? narcissists? What is wrong with people? What was wrong with me that I chose someone capable of this to father my children?

Anyway. A long time ago you recommended I get a punching bag. It came last night and I set it up and punched the cr@p out of it today. Super fun and felt great, kids had a ball with it too. There is something supremely satisfying about the physicality of it-- it feels more relieving than journaling, which so far has more like fanned the flames rather than get me to any relief. So thank you for that