Scout, I don't know that I want to go down that route right now. If you remember, I did that in June/July and it completely took the wind out of my sails and broke me. Confronting just how much I do not want any sort of shared custody scenario, as important as I know that would be for the girls, makes me feel physically sick. When I spent time here in the summer, the result was that I went back to feeling defeated and powerless. I'd rather cross this bridge when/if I need to deal with it, so that I can hang onto that tiny shred of belief that I could walk out of the M and trigger these things if I needed to. If I need to live with it, I can figure out how. Right now, I think spending too much time there doesn't help me see it will be okay. It actually does the opposite for me. It drains me of my power.
I bought and am reading the book you recommended. It is not making me feel hopeful at all.
After a day of thinking of all these things and trying to just focus on that which I can control, I ended up blowing up at H last night after the children went to bed and asking him to leave. He refused. He's here, the affair is in the past, he wants to make this work between us.
I don't know. I'm hoping that was my last need to pour out these feelings onto him. I've said everything I want to say to him. Anything else would just be a repeat. Hoping that now I can buckle down and work on detaching and focusing on what I need.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing