Originally Posted by may22
OK so to be sure I'm getting this right... I obviously need to detach in all the areas where I have no control. Stop wasting energy on that which is outside of my control?

You got it, girl.

Originally Posted by may22
I know I'm not detached. I can say that and *also* know I'd be OK if we split...

I am not sure that these are mutually exclusive. I feel pretty clearly detached from H right now, but I am not sure I am completely OK with our situation or forever ending our M. Detachment for me has been categorizing what is in my control and what isn't and not overthinking, overanalyzing or internalizing those things which are out of my control. This has been a really, really hard process for me (scientist, type A, goal-achiever). But I feel more love and compassion for H than I have in a year, and yet I am the least attached I have been in year. I am still learning the words to describe what detachment means to me and I am sure it is different for everyone.

Originally Posted by may22
but that doesn't stop me from feeling enraged and hurt and having a pit in my stomach when I think about my H and all the things he's done and said, to me and to her. And what he was ready to unleash on our children. Just... a lot of anger there, for something that is hard to grasp right now, since he actually is physically here and no longer in touch with her. How can I have this much anger and betrayal for something that isn't actually happening anymore?

All totally normal and totally OK feelings. You are allowed to feel these things. You are justified to feel these things. These feelings are under your control.

I know earlier on in your sitch, people were worried about where in the world was The Angry May. That you didn't seem to have enough anger fueling you. We all have different arcs in the Kubler Ross grief process, so the fact that this anger is erupting now is just part of your path. Don't shove it down, ignore it or treat your anger as something to be avoided. Until you fully embrace that anger and sit with her awhile, listen to her narrative, really hear her out, she will have a lot of control. But you get to decide when you're ready to have a good old session with your girl Anger. Right now she may have a purpose and you may not be ready to sit with her. That's OK. Just make sure she stays in the right spreadsheet column.

Originally Posted by may22
So now I'm getting back to the whole... keep DBing. Be Wayfarer. Detach and PMA and GAL so he can do his thing without being shackled by me. And find my own outlets for my rage and sadness. Like an IHS without the label?

Hmm. This feels more of the same May to me. That you have to somehow subjugate your feelings or actions for him. What if you were to allow yourself to feel everything? Do whatever you GD please? Feel sh*tty one day and super happy the next? Practice being really authentic to yourself? Just while doing all this, take notice of what you can control and what you can't, and make sure your expectations stay in the correct column of the spreadsheet.

Alison is really inspirational with this kind of stuff right now. Her last post where H snapped at her trying to help him and how she recognized that she did what she could and wasn't going to take ownership of his negative headspace. She just shrugged and went to bed. Alison's H had his feelings, she had hers, they didn't match, meh, oh well. Everything stayed in the correct column.

But let's play this out in your situation.
Hypothetically, you wake up and H does something really nice for you.
But then, unbeknownst to H, you are triggered and you feel like you want to rage.
You were triggered.
You have a right to feel rage.
But H doesn't necessarily deserve your rage in that moment.
In his eyes, he was adding something to the M column.
He can't control that you were triggered in that very moment (your column).
He did do something very, very bad that is the root cause of the trigger (his column).
But you have decided that you want to try and stick this out and make this work (your column)
So you are going to go downstairs and punch your new bag for a few minutes until the endorphins kick in and you feel able to face the world again.

This will repeat and replay as long as it needs to. There is no timeline, there is no formula. One day you will wake up with less rage. One day you will notice that you laughed more in the past week than you did all year. One day you will truly feel deep in your soul that H's actions and emotions don't have the same power over you they once did.

Originally Posted by may22
Which feels depressing at the moment. I feel like when I spend too much time thinking on all of this, where we are, where we aren't, the requirements to reconcile and not being there yet, his inadequate remorse, the ghost of AP who I still want to stab in the eyeballs, I get more and more angry and frustrated. Less zen. (so from a feelings perspective, this is when I let myself feel the feelings and be okay with that, not shove them down?)

Take stock of how you label emotions. Like zen is good and depression is bad. That you are not further along in your process = bad and reconciling under certain conditions = good. What if you just took a huge deep breath and said to yourself 'bring it on' and let everything little thought and emotion come to you authentically.

(And then furiously write them down in their correct column)

You are on the precipice of some hard, amazing, soul-changing work, darling May. You are going to come out of this process an even more amazing person than you already are, if that is even possible.