Still taking it a day at a time

[may22]

Oh, Sage. How did you know I love spreadsheets and lists so much??? Now if I do this, can I assign probabilities and make a formula that will promise me this will all work out in the end? jk

You have a lot of blurry lines right now, and I think if you were really honest with yourself (through a list like this), you will find those arenas where you are able to detach. I won't go into a list of what I see in your posts, other posters have pointed them out, but it might be a helpful exercise.

OK so to be sure I'm getting this right... I obviously need to detach in all the areas where I have no control. Stop wasting energy on that which is outside of my control?

I know I'm not detached. I can say that and *also* know I'd be OK if we split... but that doesn't stop me from feeling enraged and hurt and having a pit in my stomach when I think about my H and all the things he's done and said, to me and to her. And what he was ready to unleash on our children. Just... a lot of anger there, for something that is hard to grasp right now, since he actually is physically here and no longer in touch with her. How can I have this much anger and betrayal for something that isn't actually happening anymore? I guess that is why I'm focusing so much on what is in his heart. Because-- LH, you're right on-- he *isn't* ready to piece, even if he thinks he is.

You are telling H how he should feel right now. Whether covertly (silently upset, angry), or overtly ('May won't be invested in M 2.0 until he feels differently about AP'). So his feelings are dominated by you. Which to his credit, amputates his ability to feel all the emotions within himself, learn from them and move on to the place he really wants to be (which I truly believe for him is M 2.0). You are unhappy with an inauthentic response from him, but at the same time you are setting him up for failure because deep down, his authentic response is antithesis to your needs. His authentic responses, feelings, growth are superseded by his desire to keep you happy, to keep you present and working on M 2.0.

Mmmmm. Truth. Yikes.

So now I'm getting back to the whole... keep DBing. Be Wayfarer. Detach and PMA and GAL so he can do his thing without being shackled by me. And find my own outlets for my rage and sadness. Like an IHS without the label? Which feels depressing at the moment. I feel like when I spend too much time thinking on all of this, where we are, where we aren't, the requirements to reconcile and not being there yet, his inadequate remorse, the ghost of AP who I still want to stab in the eyeballs, I get more and more angry and frustrated. Less zen. (so from a feelings perspective, this is when I let myself feel the feelings and be okay with that, not shove them down?)

H went to pick up the kids and they're getting dinner to bring home, and he keeps texting me cute photos of them. This is all so. GD. difficult.

xoxo I will work on that spreadsheet. Now I'm going to go indulge my rage while he's not here.