Originally Posted by LH19
Ok May I will specifically ask the question. Why don’t you temporarily separate right now to give each other space to process your emotions and heal?

I can't see doing that to the kids. It feels selfish and throws a whole additional set of issues and difficulties into the pot, both for them and for me as a parent. I feel like I have enough to manage with my own feelings plus COVID. The kids are having a tough time with COVID related things right now (not being able to see friends/family) and honestly to add the fear of their parents separating and what that means feels overwhelming to me as a parent. Doable if necessary. Not worthwhile if not necessary.

It isn't like we are at each others' throats or weeping in the corners or anything. We mostly are fine. We do our own things during the day (WFH), he usually makes me breakfast and/or lunch, we sometimes eat together or sometimes I have to eat while still on a call or working. We make dinner together or trade off dinner and dishes. He makes us cocktails at 5. We trade off driving the kids to and from school. We work on the MBR renovation plans, picking tile and paint colors and all the rest. Some nights we watch TV together or some nights he watches TV and I read (or journal if I'm in an angry place). We talk about COVID and work and politics. We have gotten into some arguments late at night, average I'd say twice a week the last couple weeks, usually driven by something rude he says and I blow up because my anger is just beneath the surface. I'm getting a punching bag to put in the basement which I think will help me. H goes surfing every morning which gives him time to process and think on his own (and time for me on my own as well). He is encouraging me to find a similar outlet. It used to be yoga for me, but not being able to go to the studio-- it just isn't the same thing when I do it at home. So I'm thinking on this one.

We did talk in the beginning about possibly having H sleep in the basement. We decided not to pursue that for the same reason (not bringing up unnecessary fears for the kids-- my IC suggested telling them that it was because of H's snoring but folks here rightly said not to lie) but we always could do that if we decided it would be better. We also always could separate if we decide that is the right move. Nothing is off the table. But to the extent I can handle this without getting the children involved, I will.

And I know you are going to say they see more than you think, this is damaging for them to have two parents who aren't in love or whatever. I hear you, I am monitoring this very closely, and I feel quite confident that they are better off where they are right now than they would be if we separated. I am extremely confident in my parenting abilities and my knowledge of my own children. We have a very close relationship and I'm not worried about what they're seeing or hearing right now doing any damage to them.

Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing