I am hesitant to post because I don't think you take kindly to my advice.
You have been since day one and continue to operate out of fear and that is not the place you want to operate from ever. I think you really need to dig deep and figure out why are holding on so tight to this man and this marriage. It's ok to say because your afraid to be alone and start all over with two young kids. Just be honest with yourself. Stop the narratives. You once tried to convince us affairs where good for the marriage. "I want to say I tried everything to keep my family together". That's a narrative that is not true. You haven't tried letting go. You haven't tried separating so you can both figure out what you want. You are so afraid to lose him to the OW that unfortunately that is what is probably going to happen. If not her then someone else because the precedent has been set. I am not even sure that your number one motive isn't you winning and he's the so called prize.
For him to be in a two year secret affair where he was madly in love and kept a love box, he has to either be a sociopath or had some extreme anger towards you. Then you guys want cohabitate during a pandemic allowing him to grieve his relationship while trying to rekindle things with you that have been gone for years??? Sounds impossible right? Because it is almost impossible. You need time and space to CHOOSE each other. Not for the kids, not so the OW doesn't get him but because you genuinely miss and want to be with one another. It's the only way it works out long term.
If you are going to continue to live together then just live. Take a break from books and IC. One thing you talk about is true he will eventually show his intentions with actions. Right now you are clinging to his words which you are smart enough to know mean jack $hit right now. You guys are in for a rough ride and I do not envy you. Trying to put things together in the middle of a pandemic, in your early 40s with winter and lockdowns on the horizon. Best of luck.
M:51 W:46 T:22 M:16 S:15 D:11
�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi