Q: why have you not signed the postnup yet? (no judgment - just can't tell if it's for a pragmatic reason or an emotional one)
Emotional. What I should have done is powered through and gotten it signed in that first week. Since then when we've talked about it he is clearly not excited about it. he's said it feels like we are planning to fail and that it will make to "too easy" to D if we get there. (To which I feel like... yes... that is part of the reason I want it signed so that I don't have to worry about any of the $hit in there. I didn't say that though.)
I'm partially worried that I got this bee in my bonnet about something I want and he doesn't, and that it will be our "transparency conversation" from the spring all over again, when I thought things were going well, pushed the convo, and he called her back three days later. That if I push this he might freak out and call her. And partially laziness, because by the time the kids go to bed and we clean up dinner etc the idea of sitting down and doing something heavy and difficult is not attractive to me. And, I wrote it, so there are definitely bargaining points in there he may push back on. IDK. It just isn't something I'm looking forward to doing, but I also feel like it is something I need signed for my own comfort. As much as I feel like we're not in piecing yet, negotiating a post-nup does very much feel like the opposite direction.
It’s not pushing anything. It’s enforcing your boundaries. You can’t have jello boundaries based upon fear of how he’s going to react to them. Then you have no boundaries or conditions upon his return to this marriage. He still rules, basically. He still calls the shots. You basically are just trying to keep him there. And what for if that’s the man he’s going to be? And if he does contact OW?? Then he has answered a lot of questions of how committed he really is. If he is still the guy who is going to run to another woman or his affair partner when something comes up he doesn’t like, is that the man you really want to be with?? How could you go on in a relationship afraid to be strong in your boundaries with the fear he might run to another woman when he doesn’t get what he doesn’t want or doesn’t like something ?
This might come out kind of harsh, but the real strength is t in just letting him be there. It’s by letting him be there while not being so fearful of the outcome of honoring your boundaries and needs. Otherwise, will you really get to marriage 2.0?
