So I spoke with her last night about exactly what I want and expect. She brought up marriage and I said look I am not ready. We need to build a foundation first.
GOOD!
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She said she feels like I am stringing her along. I explained to her I am not and don’t want to ever get divorced again, so in order for me to get married we need that solid foundation. She mentioned that she didn’t know if she could wait. So I said I understand that you may want this now but we are not ready. I also said having a baby is not a reason to get married. Our therapist said that too yesterday too. So she said she can’t live like this. I said that is fine. Then we break up. She said ok, that she would need to the middle of January. I said absolutely not. You have until December 15. This way she had a month to find a place and save some money (she has a job now). I think she was completely shocked with that.
That all sounds fine, try to remember to listen and validate but otherwise it sounds like you're doing well sticking to your guns.
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She started to talk about the relationship and how important it is for the child to have both parents at the same time. So, then she started to back track about working things out.
Her blackmailing didn't work so she's changing tactics and trying to "nice" you again. Don't fall for it.
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She expressed her biggest concern is that at any time I could pick up and leave. Since I recently did that too her. I explained that’s why we work on the relationship and that I can’t make any promises about engagement or marriage.
Yes exactly.
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It was like she wanted me to say, I’m just making this up fight now, something like we will get engaged at the end of December. She wants to feel like we are working towards something. I explained we are but we can’t put a date because that is pressure. As I write this, maybe I should have said if things are not better by a certain date we go our separate ways.
She needs to move out, is that still the plan? It sounded like it was, but then it sounds like you may have backpedaled from there. I would stick to her moving out mid-December. As far as putting a date on breaking up for good, I don't think that's necessary. Give therapy a chance to work.
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One thing I see which is weird. I see how she wants this so bad, for whatever reason.
Her incentive is having a home, food, clothing, etc. with no need to ever work again. I really don't think she wants -you- so much as your money and home and such. I could be wrong, but if I'm right then it's not "weird", it explains all her behavior.
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I told her we had 17 amazing years together, you want to end the marriage over the last 2 which were only a little rocky? My GF said something along those lines to me. We had a great 14 months and the last 2 is what you are going by. Obviously, I know having 17 years togther is a whole different story than 1.
Yes, it is completely different. Someone can put on a show for a year if they think they're going to get what they want. They can pretend to be the perfect little wifey for that long. But like Sandi said, now her true colors are starting to show.
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AS I see your order of what is to come. I am going to stick to my guns on her having to make that commitment again.
Good deal. And do make sure she moves out.
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I hear you Steve. I guess it’s the nice guy in me. I felt like in my last situation I was never given a chance to “make it right”. I feel I should give her that chance.
What if you found out that this is all a scam she's running to weasel her way into your household for financial gain? What if you knew that once you married her, she would stop all work around the house, cut off the sex, sit on the couch with a bag of chips watching Oprah every day while never lifting a finger to do anything, and insist on you hiring a maid and a nanny while constantly yelling at you for not making enough money and insisting you find a better job? Because you wouldn't be the first this has happened to. So think long and hard about that. As I (and others) keep saying, you need the benefit of time and distance (separation) to determine her real motivations.
