Midlife wife crisis 16

[Wolfman]

Well here’s what I would do. There’s absolutely zero chance I would marry this girl right now. I would have a talk with her and let her know that things aren’t working and you need to make some changes together and outline what all those changes look like. If she brings up marriage tell her you are not ready right now. If she try’s to blackmail you then you give her a timeline to find her own place. You speak to a lawyer about custody arrangements and monetary support.

So I spoke with her last night about exactly what I want and expect. She brought up marriage and I said look I am not ready. We need to build a foundation first. She said she feels like I am stringing her along. I explained to her I am not and don’t want to ever get divorced again, so in order for me to get married we need that solid foundation. She mentioned that she didn’t know if she could wait. So I said I understand that you may want this now but we are not ready. I also said having a baby is not a reason to get married. Our therapist said that too yesterday too. So she said she can’t live like this. I said that is fine. Then we break up. She said ok, that she would need to the middle of January. I said absolutely not. You have until December 15. This way she had a month to find a place and save some money (she has a job now). I think she was completely shocked with that. So she asked if I was going to make her pay rent. I said no. But the. She started to talk about the relationship and how important it is for the child to have both parents at the same time. So, then she started to back track about working things out. She expressed her biggest concern is that at any time I could pick up and leave. Since I recently did that too her. I explained that’s why we work on the relationship and that I can’t make any promises about engagement or marriage. It was like she wanted me to say, I’m just making this up fight now, something like we will get engaged at the end of December. She wants to feel like we are working towards something. I explained we are but we can’t put a date because that is pressure. As I write this, maybe I should have said if things are not better by a certain date we go our separate ways.
One thing I see which is weird. I see how she wants this so bad, for whatever reason. It’s exactly how I felt when my ex was divorcing me. It’s a cr&ppy way to feel. So i understand that feeling t hat you have no control and the other has all the control. But I have to control this situation. She also said something to me I said to my ex when we were getting divorced. I told her we had 17 amazing years together, you want to end the marriage over the last 2 which were only a little rocky? My GF said something along those lines to me. We had a great 14 months and the last 2 is what you are going by. Obviously, I know having 17 years togther is a whole different story than 1. But it just made me think. It’s weird I feel like the WH in this situation. She is begging and pleading for me to stay over some over her bad behaviors, exactly what happened when I was getting divorced. Weird

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted:
AS I see your order of what is to come. I am going to stick to my guns on her having to make that commitment again.
R2C I like number 2. I will set boundaries and consequences. I feel like in my marriage I was never given the opportunity to change or fix anything. I will give a shot at that. My time frame on this middle of December.

Just keep adding insult to injury. I have my son today. I noticed the GF was cooking something. So I went to her and said you cooking something g for dinner for yourself or all of us. She replied just for me. She said, “I don’t think that is my job anymore.” I said you use to do it all the time. She said unless things change she doesn’t think it’s her job now. Ridiculous. I am taking my son out to dinner instead.

The immaturity displayed by her here should have your running for the hills....baby or no baby.

I WILL REPEAT: Being the baby's father does not require you to be the mother's SO/H. So commit to that baby with all your heart, but do not commit to this woman or you'll end up here again in 2-5 years, almost guaranteed.

I hear you Steve. I guess it’s the nice guy in me. I felt like in my last situation I was never given a chance to “make it right”. I feel I should give her that chance.

Mr. B sorry you went through that. I am playing this real cautiously, now.