Hi Wolfman,

I have a question about the divorce paper burning incident. Did she actually try to burn the papers? Or did she just threaten it? Not that either are healthy behaviors, but actually trying to burn them is very scary. Threatening with no real intent of going through with it is super unhealthy attention-seeking behavior, but at a different level.

Maybe I'm alone here. I just feel badly for her. I don't condone her behavior at all and I think she sounds very immature. I wouldn't want to marry her either. But she's going to be in your life for the next 18 plus years in some capacity, and I'd just give her a bit more of the benefit of the doubt on some of this. Being young and pregnant and single is scary, and she clearly doesn't have the communication nor relationship skills to deal with any of this very well. That doesn't necessarily make her a gold digger. Maybe she's scared and alone and doesn't want to raise her baby on her own and is using what has worked for her in the past-- threats, bribes, ultimatums. Is there a way you two can work on communicating together in a healthy and open way, regardless of your relationship status? Have you practiced validating and deepening/curious questions with her to figure out what's really going on in her head? She may not even know herself.

Sorry you're going through this, I know it must be incredibly stressful. Glad you are also able to work on your R with your daughter as well. Hang in there.

Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing