I don’t know why, but I’m finding more difficult to post about myself. I am surviving . I had a nice trip with D13. It was good we got away together. I’m glad I was able to have that experience with her. She’s still a really tough teen, but a good kid at heart and I think she still loves her mom. But some days, I could just cry. Actually, I do cry. But I have to keep perspective. She isn’t getting into trouble, she gets straight a’s. She’s just lazy and disrespectful and argumentative at times. I don’t usually let her get away with it, but some days I just don’t have the fight.

I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. In the one week I was gone we have had more responsibility added to our plates. I need to find the will to deal with these really difficult families again. It was nice not doing so.

I have to get foot surgery. I still can barely walk, so My doctor and I decided to get it over with. I should only be out of work a few days. It’s a simple procedure and I have a high tolerance for pain.

I’ve really let myself go lately. Physically and mentally. I don’t look good. I gained too much weight, I’m not comfortable in my body, and I have not really cared. I only care when I see a photo of myself and I don’t even recognize me. I gain weight a lot in my face and it distorts me. But what has been most upsetting is I just don’t care anymore. I want to care again. I don’t want to let myself go. I don’t want to give up. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to look sexy again. I want to feel sexy again. I tried to convince myself I could be comfortable and sexy as I am now, but I really can’t be. It’s just not “me” i can’t put myself out there again feeling the way I do.

Tomorrow starts a new me. Getting my will power back. My motivation. My will to feel better and do better. I had lost it all. And that’s not good. I just want myself back again.