I donít know why, but Iím finding more difficult to post about myself. I am surviving . I had a nice trip with D13. It was good we got away together. Iím glad I was able to have that experience with her. Sheís still a really tough teen, but a good kid at heart and I think she still loves her mom. But some days, I could just cry. Actually, I do cry. But I have to keep perspective. She isnít getting into trouble, she gets straight aís. Sheís just lazy and disrespectful and argumentative at times. I donít usually let her get away with it, but some days I just donít have the fight.
I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. In the one week I was gone we have had more responsibility added to our plates. I need to find the will to deal with these really difficult families again. It was nice not doing so.
I have to get foot surgery. I still can barely walk, so My doctor and I decided to get it over with. I should only be out of work a few days. Itís a simple procedure and I have a high tolerance for pain.
Iíve really let myself go lately. Physically and mentally. I donít look good. I gained too much weight, Iím not comfortable in my body, and I have not really cared. I only care when I see a photo of myself and I donít even recognize me. I gain weight a lot in my face and it distorts me. But what has been most upsetting is I just donít care anymore. I want to care again. I donít want to let myself go. I donít want to give up. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to look sexy again. I want to feel sexy again. I tried to convince myself I could be comfortable and sexy as I am now, but I really canít be. Itís just not ďmeĒ i canít put myself out there again feeling the way I do.
Tomorrow starts a new me. Getting my will power back. My motivation. My will to feel better and do better. I had lost it all. And thatís not good. I just want myself back again.