Hi TJT and welcome to this little corner of the world. Both kml and Deja give such sage advice, it hard to follow them up because I don't know that I can add anything. I went back to your other post in newcomers and kind of caught up on stuff. Is this man that you are currently dating the one that you were dating near the end of those last posts? Doesn't really matter, other than I am just curious.
I get the distinct impression that you really have an issue in being alone. Nothing wrong with that, per se, but it can sometimes make for less than wise decisions when it comes to picking a partner. You say this guy has been in a very jealous and controlling relationship before, but you aren't like that and yet you keep talking about how you keep trying to get him to talk about this girl and it bothers you that he won't. I'm not sure if I missed something somewhere along the way, but I get that she is someone who he has had sexual contact with and is a casual friend. You clearly do not have any use for her yourself, saying that your dream solution is that your SO will agree with you that she is trashy and isn't worth being in her life. That is a bit harsh, isn't it? I mean, I understand you are not like her and you do not like her, but you don't know her and only know what she portrays on social media. And, if you aren't friends with her and don't know her, why are you so concerned with what is on her social media? I'm so very sorry if all of that sounds harsh, as I'm not trying to be, but I'm really just trying to understand where you are coming from. I think kml and Deja were right in advising you to show up, look your best, be you and let him show you off. You are his choice, not this other woman. And, if you really aren't trying to be jealous and controlling and he's told you that it is nothing, just friends, then why are you acting so jealous? Again, I'm sorry if that is harsh, but that is kind of the picture that I get from what I'm reading. You say you don't want to be those things, then don't be those things. You obviously know your man and I don't, but maybe he's just not a talker. He chose you for a reason and has told you, according to your own story, that this person is a casual friend that he says very rarely and that he didn't have anything more than a physical fling with her because she wasn't relationship material.
Just go and be polite, friendly, and watch the interactions. Hopefully, that will put your mind at ease. You say that you want to broach the subject with him by letting him know that you don't know much about his current state of relationship with this person since he never says "hey, friend called today" or anything like that. I'm not trying to say your feelings are not valid or are unjustified and if you feel strongly about all of this, then you should absolutely talk to him about it. Think about it from the reverse side of things, too, so that maybe you can get a sense of where he is coming from. Do you have a very casual male friendship with someone that you talk to every once in a great while and if so, do you mention it every time you interact? Maybe you do and maybe you don't...I don't know. My overall point here is that if he's told you they just have a casual friendship, it might not even register with him that he should be telling you that every time she calls, so it may not be that he is deliberately trying to hide it, but rather, just doesn't think it is that important in the grand scheme of life.
You mentioned that you go to counseling together and if I understood what I read, you said you got him to agree to it early on to work through problems and grow together. Is this something that he wanted to do too or did he just agree to it because it was important to you? Is it possible that you may be projecting some of the old feelings from your marriage and subsequent divorce on him? You don't have to answer any of that if you don't want to. I mean, you don't have to spell it out here for me...I was just curious because that came to mind several times as I read through your post.
You sound like you are very self-aware and very open to taking all the necessary steps to work with someone and learn to communicate effectively for the betterment of your relationship and those are awesome qualities. Again, like kml and Deja said, go to the party with him and show everyone that he has an amazing lady on his arm that he can really be proud of. It is so hard, particularly when you are so fresh off your divorce to feel confident, but the best way to build your confidence up is to just walk out of that comfort zone and strut your stuff. Buy a new blouse, get your hair and nails done, pamper yourself a bit, then show up and knock everyone's socks off. As far as meeting/talking to his friend who you admittedly have a negative perception of, just be polite. Kindness and manners always prevail!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids