Just to directly clarify my thinking on a few other things:

Originally Posted by kml
(I don't know how you can dislike her if you haven't even met her)

This is a values issue for me. I've seen what she posts on her social media pages, enough to know that we do not hold the same values in our lives and would likely never be friends. She will post things like "My face when I found out he was with another; my face when I remember I was with 5 others" - and another one that was like "when I find out someone doesn't like me: Is this a wife?" Her behavior as an individual is her own business, but it seems like she knows the stuff she does is disrespectful. So again, completely agree that this is 100% on my SO as to whether he allows it, and he hasn't been, but I don't see how that makes her any more likeable that as a grown woman she doesn't understand those boundaries until the man she is friends with explains it to her. You would think if she cared about my SO as her friend, knowing that he loves me, she would have thought of that sooner?

Originally Posted by kml
Boyfriend is a little batsh!t crazy and thinks that these guys are looking at him thinking "haha, I had her first!". It's weird and disrespectful and at our age kinda nuts.

I agree. I admit these things could make me feel uncomfortable but I wouldn't think like that. It's also worth noting my SO is friends with several other exes, and similarly (and as I would expect) it's not like they hang out all the time and the messages they exchange are much more innocent and I have not had any problem with that.

Originally Posted by kml
It sounds like your boyfriend has nothing to feel guilty about...

Which is why I don't understand his apprehension to being transparent and talking to me about her.

Originally Posted by kml
And if I'm wrong, and she's really someone who is a threat to your relationship or that your BF is carrying a torch for, you'll find out if you go to the party.

Also completely agree.

Originally Posted by kml
Just don't embarrass him like my boyfriend embarrassed me at my mom's funeral.

I would definitely not do anything in public, if an issue were to arise. It would be between us to discuss.

Originally Posted by kml
And don't drag old business from your marriage and your ex-husband's infidelity into your new relationship. Ok?

I would be a liar to say that's not having an impact here, but I do also want to say that the beginning of my relationship with my current SO was rocky in this area too. He is not just friends with exes, but literally friends with almost all the female bartenders he would frequent, chicks he met back in his clubbing days, a chick he met and had a one-night stand with at a football game....and he has not truly had the type of serious relationship we have now since probably 10 years ago. I had to see past all that (and given my past experience, YEAH that was hard from day 1).

I recognized I needed to give our relationship time to mature and be "serious", etc. I recognized I am no longer in a marriage. But there were still a couple of hiccups where after we had both agreed we were exclusive, there were some flirtatious messages that were sent. We addressed that, he agreed it was wrong, and it hasn't happened since (to my knowledge, and again we are much further down the road now) but it's a combination of things having happened to me before and my SO's lack of setting very many boundaries on his end that have really pushed me to be clear on MY boundaries and expectations in our relationship, as well as me re-evaluating what is reasonable or not, etc.

Originally Posted by kml
(Now, there IS the fact that it's a baby shower and that's just about the worst kind of party anyone can be invited to, and I'm sorry if you have to go and play those stupid games wink but just go and give her a chance. You might find out you feel a lot better about things when you meet her.)

Haha, oh man, I forgot that games can be a part of it! It's being held at a restaurant so hopefully it's less of that.. but yes, I am planning to dress up, show out and try to make the best of it. It's just that my mind (and body) does have a mind of its own which I HATE, and I can talk myself up and tell myself the right thing all day long but it can be difficult for me to maintain that outward persona when my body is reacting physically with "fight or flight" and making me feel like I wanna die. That's a big part of what I haven't managed to figure out on my end. I know what's right, I know how I feel when I'm by myself and I know what's logical. But my feelings and mind will completely take me over and make me feel like crap when I'm in a certain situation frown

H:39 W:30
M:4 T:9

05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD
07/2018: Discovered A, confronted
09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out
12/2018: I filed
03/2019: Divorce finalized