Digitized a few more videos tonight, these from the era when I had three kids 5 years old and under. And my main observation is, boy, it was LOUD!!!! All the shrieking and hooting and crying and shouting and laughing! Lolol.

Saw a glimpse of a friend who died young of cancer almost 30 years ago. Footage of the house we raised the kids in and sold in the divorce. Me so thin and beautiful, itís a testament to my exís weirdness that he never thought I was thin enough when in reality I was bordering on underweight. And I may have been an earth momma without makeup but really, I didnít need a thing back then. Iím not bragging but just commenting on how skewed my exís vision of me, and the world, was. I didnít really take his negativity in, but itís still kind of shocking to look back and see how far from reality his perception was.

We had a beautiful house, smallish and unpretentious but casually warm and with a killer ocean view, ideal for impromptu dinners with friends. Three beautiful (if loud) children. It was a good life he later blew up. His inability to appreciate all that we had was such a shame.

But as I mentioned before, I can see now, in a way I couldnít see then, how he was always a little bit inauthentic in front of the camera. The studied casual air lacks a certain relaxed, genuine feel. Instead itís like watching someone playing a part (even though by now his big secret was out and I had forgiven him). Who knows what other secrets he might have already been carrying in his heart, what guilt and shame, or simply dissatisfaction and resentment?

Iím hoping the kids just see the moments where he appears as the loving dad he genuinely was when they were little.