So Iíve been digitizing home videos today. Itís strange, seeing my ex through the rear view mirror. Although I really wasnít aware of it at the time, I see his angst and discomfort in his own skin so clearly now. The way he always made weird faces at the camera - not in a relaxed goofy way (although thatís probably how I saw it at the time) but more in a ďhiding your true self from the cameraĒ way.
In one video, heís playing with our oldest as a toddler at the lake house his family owned. And it hit me, it must have been uncomfortable for him. Remember he slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding, and unbeknownst to me, she got pregnant and had an abortion while we were in our honeymoon ( I didnít learn that part until about 6 years later). So I imagined him in that video, playing with our first child, with all his family around. He grew up Catholic, his father and siblings were moderately religious. Abortion is a big no-no for Catholics. And there he was, hiding that huge secret from me and his family - no wonder he had to hide his true self from the camera.