Good point LH. Here's the thing because it's beyond complicated. Filing for D I believed and believe still was best for me in terms of society and the rules the government has laid down upon me. I do not believe I made the right choice in terms of my religion. In that sense D was not best for me and the kids. Now since W had an EA, I can call it an affair which makes a divorce ok in terms of my religion yet I don't know how serious the EA was and how much was just her fantasy. I can't be 100 percent behind my choice without the facts.
On top of that part of my decision to file was based on her not getting counseling, her name calling and lying about these things. Its turns out her counselor was allowing her to keep a tab which my counselor said is very rare. W also told me I misinterpreted the name calling with may or may not be false. So I filed with a clear conscious that W was doing nothing at all and that I was being targeted or abused. W was actually in counseling and maybe I wasnt targeted to the degree I thought. If this is the case, things may have been repairable and I pulled the plug early in terms of society and religion.
Add to this that I had my part to play in all this. After years of Ws physical neglect, I pulled away emotionally and stated to her and a previous contact that I was doing so due to the pain it cause. At one point she said I need an emotional connection and I assumed what it meant rather than asking her what she wanted. I figured spending time together, chatting and doing family things developed an emotional connection but maybe not to her.
Im in a full blown existential crisis at this point. I felt deeply that my purpose was to have a family and raise my kids well so they have a net positive impact on the world. Without the family and from the damage this will do to the kids, my purpose has failed in my mind. Yes they could still have a net positive, but probably less so and in the end, the family has ended partially due to my withdrawal from the R as my needs were ignored. I'm not so much different from a WAS in that sense except that I would not have asked for divorce. Yet W says I did though I think I'd remember that. Maybe she took me saying I don't know what to do with our R if she keep up her habits and distancing as leaning towards divorce which in a way, it is and its a bit like an ultimatum. Now with clarity I'm less innocent in all this and this realization that I'm a large factor in hurting my W, my kids, myself and my purpose is awful.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated