Originally Posted by LH19
You have to let go of the victims mentality. With your high anxiety I'm sure you were controlling at times the two go hand in hand. One of the number one problems with the LBS on this board is they want the WW to be something that they are not. I actually respected you when you filed because you weren't going to be treated that way by your W. Now it clearly shows that you did it as a tactic. You are 37 years old. 15 years younger then me.

I'm really sorry that your family is breaking up when your kids are so young. I the positive side they will not know the difference. I once asked my BFs daughter if she was effected by her parents not living together. She was 2 when they split. She said not at all. I never knew any different.

Life is what you make of it Core. Time to positively start planning for the future.

LH, good to hear from you. I got blind spots even of the repeating victim mindset and I'm glad to have it called out. In regards to me filing for D as a tactic, I don't see where I conveyed that. Did I have a sliver of hope that W would turn around and fix her side. Of course. Still do, and will for awhile but I dont see it as possible. The decision was made in what I believed at the time as my best interests and controversially in the kids best interests as well. My mind is changable on these things as facts, new studies and good arguments counter my stance. I'm very open to reframing opinions which I think is why the pain of this D will last me awhile.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

But kids are not better off in a 2 parent household where there is loads of disrespect and no love, infidelity, and contempt for the other.

Kids in a divorced households where both parents canít co parent effectively there is hostility, using the kids as pawns, etc, thatís the worst situation .

Kids will fare better in a divorced household where two parents get along, are civil, and each household there is love and contentment.

My daughter hasnít known any other way. Her dad dad dropped the bomb when she was 6 months old and was out of the house that day.
Sheís doing great, except for being a snarky 13 year old girl. Her parents get along, she never has to feel uncomfortable, she wants for nothing. She has lots of people who love her. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. Sheís a nearly straight a student , has friends in the good crowd and is a happy kid, except for mopey teenage hormone stuff.

The last paragraph is funny here, although I'm sure dealing with it in your day to day is not. I'm glad to see an example from you and LHs friend that point to kids perseverance.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

If crying when your cat got put to sleep killed her attraction, there is something wrong with her, not you.

My thoughts is if I'm supposed to be a rock, seeing my break in theory should be ok but emotionally must be a turn off on some level.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Your post was about what should you fix that your W didnít like about you. What the heck?!!

If anything killed attraction, itís your insecurity, trying to become something that someone else wants, instead of being the man YOU want to be and having a sense of confidence. Which you can without cockiness.

I see how my post came off as fixing what W didnt like about me. Not the case. I do want to know where she or others think/thought I'm damaged or off and if its something I agree with changing, then I will. I know I've blind spots. Theres things she disliked that I didnt change and wont.

Theres little I want to change overall and thats what scares me a little. Certainly to have this all occur there must be something beyond my anxiety needing fixing. I dont see it so really all I've current have working on is continuing to hit anxiety, build up muscle and working on a future side income.

CW, thank you for hopping in as well with the others. You make some good points. Right now while I'm open to change, Im really going all in and man its a lot. I want to keep this going and keep open to information and change before I set in my ways. So much of all this like politics is controversial and in some cases theres incredible arguments on both sides.

I think someday I'll look back and find this journey incredible. I've found my religion again, shifted my political lean to much more centered, fixed an important relationship, out achieved most on my mid 20s fitness records, and learned quite a bit on validation and boundaries. This may be the best thing thats happened to me, just possibly not the kids whom alI believe are more important than I, an aging partially broken old man.

H37, W37
D4, S2
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated