Hi Core,

Originally Posted by Core
Spent 10 months post BD working on myself and the M in different ways. Finally had enough after finding W was name calling me, lying to friends about me and what I thought was lying about going to counseling. I filed for D

When they say kids are worse off in basically every recorded measure, its hard to hear, probably hard for you reading to read, and its worse knowing I've no control on that aspect. Yes my portion of the time I can give them a great life yet doubtful it could've topped benefits of us staying married.

You had control, and you chose to file for divorce. You say you felt it was worse for the kids to see their parents being verbally abusive and dishonest with each other, and now you're second-guessing. You made your choice. As a parent, I do the best I know how to for my kids. I often get it right. I sometimes don't. Spend the energy you're spending on second-guessing, on things you can control in their favor. My ex-W and I get along. My kids are close to each other and do well in school. Do The Next Right Thing.

Originally Posted by Core
With how sensitive I had to be to others at my job else HR came for you with a complaint or you dont get a raise, I lost a measure of assertiveness. I set aside my goals to spend time with my kids. I lost measure if what I believe is masculine.

This is not my experience--most industries like people who get work done and won't discard or not give a raise to a good employee over a single, unsubstantiated complaint. I've known people in many industries--big business, sales, teaching, healthcare, food service, groceries, and customer service. Entry-level jobs are an exception. At my company reviewing complaints is one of my managerial roles, and HR is for serious or consistent problems. I don't want them worrying good employees.

Originally Posted by Core
Killing attraction plus saying too much in our disagreements are probably what I did that was most damaging. Society today will tell me thats all ok and normal yet it is different than who I was and who she fell for and maybe is not actually ok.

Core, crying when your cat died makes you human. Men in past generations (like mine and maybe yours) were taught never to cry in front of others. While frequent crying may point to internal issues you need to resolve, tears at appropriate moments show empathy, that you're not a robot, and attract more than they turn-off. I used to be a wedding photographer, and almost every father-in-law sheds a tear, even those who never, ever cry in front of others. Their wives typically go "Oooh!" and think it's so sweet. Most superheroes cry. Decide what's right for you, and when you do date, you'll attract a matching woman. Don't try to be something you're not. At some point the facade falls away and neither is happy.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha