I'm getting there. I'm not even looking in to divorce stuff anymore yet I'm still getting....incoming buzzword...triggered..by stuff I'm finding. In reading both ends of politics, family values comes up and the science behind how important a two parent household is hits me in the face. I have and still do believe in the importance. When they say kids are worse off in basically every recorded measure, its hard to hear, probably hard for you reading to read, and its worse knowing I've no control on that aspect. Yes my portion of the time I can give them a great life yet doubtful it could've topped benefits of us staying married.
With the distance I have from my W, I can understand some of the WAS feelings. If she came and kissed me, said ILY, asked to work on the M now, I'd practically vomit in disgust.
I still dont know what flaws I really should work on. I believe so little of what W told me that I dont know whats true. For instance I was never called controlling until after D. Many of the problems she had with me were minor quirks like double checking that lights were turned off before bed. The bigger things such as words that were hurtful to her well, none of us never know what will hurt or trigger someone.
Here's the most I can muster, I lost composure once and cried in front of her after putting my cat down. She responded angrily and condescendingly after although she gave me space. I think that weakness killed attraction. My anxiety to boot killed attraction and made her feel unsafe with me as a protector as I had visible weaknesses. With how sensitive I had to be to others at my job else HR came for you with a complaint or you dont get a raise, I lost a measure of assertiveness. I set aside my goals to spend time with my kids. I lost measure if what I believe is masculine.
Killing attraction plus saying too much in our disagreements are probably what I did that was most damaging. Society today will tell me thats all ok and normal yet it is different than who I was and who she fell for and maybe is not actually ok. Much different than cocky, confident me who had few cares in the world. Thing is, after marriage and kids, I had intense cares in the world. For them. I'll never be that old me in full again and frankly I dont want to be. I want to move closer to that end than I have been but not all the way there, more centered. It's a weird feeling now and hard to explain. I want the two parent household but I dont want my W. No other woman would be mom to the kids so there is no replacing W and therefore the want is unachievable and not rational.
Possibly sadly for me, I have absolutely zero interest in any kind of relationship at the moment, minus what many men want plenty of the time. I don't want W in my life. I dont want another SO in my life. This D and growth since has damaged me in a way I need to work though. I see relationships now as ticking time bombs. How long until a GFs feelings change, trauma returns to her or me, MLC gets either party, needs or wants change from aging hormones. I don't see the point. I dont feel lonely, Im having an excellent time alone with W out of the house.
Last edited by Core; 10/09/2010:47 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated