Radom thoughts:

D13 is doing much better. Still a teenager, but an improved one. I took her and her friend out to dinner tonight and it was fun. Iím taking her and her 2 friends apple picking Sunday.

Personally, I feel the winter blues setting in. It is a tough time of the year to be alone. I want somebody so much to cuddle with and talk to and enjoy sometime together. I have had all my dating apps deleted. I thought about going back on. I just do not want to be alone anymore. I can be alone. I just donít want to be. In the same breath, I donít want to put myself back out there. I am not confident right now. And the thought of dating is exhausting to me. I donít have those instant mutual connections. Rarely anymore. And I think I am plagued my really bad luck with online dating. Others make it seem effortless. A few weeks of doing the dating around and they find someone. 12 miserable years of it, and I got one significant relationship from it that left me heartbroken .
I just donít know that I have it in me.

I was talking to a colleague of sorts . She met her boyfriend 5 months ago in the parking lot of a grocery store. He left his car door open, she found him and told him and the rest was history. I need that in my life! Ha.

I just see another lonely holiday season on the horizon. I know Iíll never find anyone if I donít put the effort in. But I just donít have the drive. And I am not in a place mentally for more rejection.

If I do look back on some relationships, I do realize when I thought I was being vulnerable, I might have actually been insecure and havenít really let anyone in. Iíve had too many experiences of men keeping me at arms length , just close enough they boot me out if something better came along or when they needed to give. If I were to date again, I would be more vulnerable and open, at the same time, not putting so much thought and effort into doing things a certain way.

I donít know if any of that makes sense. One day I would like to just all to fall into place .