Hi Rachel,

I have to agree with everyone else, for sure... do not let him move back in. I've just re-read through your thread. A few things you have said about him:
- he has had several affairs prior to this
- he is a narcissist
- he recently threatened suicide (a week ago)
- he makes money in an illegal way
- threatened to call DCFS on you (a week ago)
- spent ridiculous amounts of money (three days ago)
- didn't call your children for a week (five days ago)
- was going to move them into the OW's house (two days ago)

I could go on but you get the picture. He is troubled and unstable and I think you are actually fortunate that he is out of the house at the moment.

I just don't see how anything good will come out of him coming back to the house. I wouldn't even spend a second of time thinking about what possible reconciliation would look like and what you'd need to do once that started (MC, dates, etc.). keep working on dropping the rope, focus on you and the kids. Don't worry about where he is going to sleep. He's an adult and will need to figure that out for himself.

I agree with RTC, do not share any of your feelings with him right now. He doesn't deserve it. Be mysterious and distant. I think the "I need some time" is a good phrase. If he tries to guilt you into him coming back, remind him that he's the one that left to LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. If he turns nasty, well then... he's showing his true colors, isn't he?

Every single thread I've ever read here where the WAS left and came back, the LBS has said they wished they had made them wait longer. Seriously. And most of them waited weeks before allowing their spouses back.

(((Rachel))) you can do this. You're strong and smart and he doesn't deserve you until he really, really shapes up. And unless he had some sort of out-of-body ghost-of-Christmas-future kind of experience, all that garbage he was displaying just a few days ago is still rumbling around in there. He's got to deal with that himself and you can't do that work for him, and letting him back into the house is really just enabling him. Tough love time. (Also, given his crazy behaviors over the last few weeks, can you imagine how insanity-inducing it would be to actually live with him? You don't want your kids to see him like that.)

xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2