Originally Posted by LH19
Tommy,

There is really nothing to ask. You just described 97% of long term marriages. You weren't meeting her needs so she had no desire to meet yours. The marriage becomes unfulfilling for both parties involved. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.

That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, in your life. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.

So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?

When I first saw your reply, LH19, I felt slighted. Now, after all these weeks and after getting through about half of Michele's book, I think I understand better. So I'll try now to answer your question.

My wants (these reflect my age, which is late 50s):

* To be a better man, the type of man a woman really wants and needs, one who actively works to win her love every day. This is different than the man I was before, who went through the marriage passively, just figuring things would work out without direct action.

* I need connection, e.g., eventually remarriage, with another woman. I'm too young to stay single forever. I've learned that I am more whole when married to a woman who loves me without condition, who stands beside me, who has my back, who thinks I'm awesome even when I'm not. I will do the same for her.

* Stay engaged intellectually somehow and somewhere, hopefully with my second wife.

* Stay physically fit.

* Be a good father and grandfather someday, making time for these essential people in my life.

Is this a good start?