Tough reading what you are going through, it must be really heavy.
What U posted here is however SO right! Hang in there, give it time!
Its not your truth! (U holy [censored] that is strong!)
I have turend to David Goggins in my downs recently.
Forcing myself to change mentality at least helps a little bit when Im down.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021