As I say goodbye to my kids as they leave for their first vacation away from home which I do not get to be a part of, I fill with anger and hostility for the damaged human who caused this. I think of all the other firsts I'll miss and that the kids will miss having two parents enjoy. Days on days I'll be alone while W is on her third vacation since she emotionally left the M and 2nd since asking for a D. None of which she paid for. I resent that the kids and I have to deal with her consequences.
It disgusts me that of all the things that can hurt my children in this life, she may be doing the most damage. All over feelings that churned because of miscommunications, misunderstandings and her lack of addressing her past. Its not fair and life isn't but why god lets the sinner prosper is beyond me.
This woman was all about me early on. Saved items from our dates, scrapbooked our relationship, kept all our notes. Then one day we had a disagreement, I said something harsh but not over the top and she emotionally never fully returned. The forgiveness that she supposedly follows in church isnt in her. I forgave for her part in the argument within hours.
Her family encouraged the D, her friends encouraged it. Where in this picture is anyone with decency? I see how her mom runs from emotional conversations so I see where some of this came from. I've had her family in and out of the house the last few weeks and no one says a thing. Probably better that way but I really have trouble respecting any of them.
I have a feeling I'm going to be the bitter, angry, resentful guy. Even if W wanted me back, shes not at all what I want in a mate. The first several years of our R she had a mask on. Her real interests, wants, needs, opinions differ now. She used to be responsible, take ownership, and had accountability. Those things are gone. My W truly died in a way and she was an amazing person when she was alive. We were happy, always wanted to be together, always positive, had dreams and aspirations. Now this being has no empathy or sympathy for me or my family, we can barely converse and I am stuck with this version of her for countless years longer than I had my wife.
I saw a post of Mar's thread about the benefits of moving out and on right away. Perhaps that would've been better for her and I. I think for the kids, the path I chose was best. I have many haunting memories from snooping. The woman who though I was perfect and made a picture of all our movie tickets glue together was able to dismiss me, move on like I'm nothing and told herself and others awful things. Instead of good memories of our time filling her, shes turned me in to some villian. That's sad, and common how women process divorce. I know some of this because things get around. I sit here following the script for how men process it.
Today and the last few days Ive been despising this woman. Its a horrible feeling. She hurt me and is hurting my kids and for what. We get one life, why the F would you destroy it and destroy it for others. Life was better when I was naive to all of this.
Last edited by Core; 10/06/2004:04 AM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated