U, IW, Ovr and Bl, thanks for stopping by and adding perspective.
I tell you, this isnt getting any easier. If we were in conflict or the affair was still happening, I've no doubt this would be harder that it is. Being without conflict is causing a different pain....a why arent we working on the M and letting the love slowly die pain. A friend told me that I haven't yet mourned the death of the marriage because it is indeed still dying and W is killing it. That really resonated. I'm thankful that my kids continue to thrive. They seem blissfully unaware.
I've cut back on some self improvement. Not completely thankfully however I'm not working on developing a more attractive personality or learning about relationships. I don't want to go through this again and am checking out of relationships unless its a tinder fling once I'm D'd. There isn't much to get from a modern relationship in my opinion and traditional is out of the question for a few reasons. I loved intensely and married once, I think I'll keep it that way. I still feel some love for W despite all this. After almost a year I still want to give her a kiss or sneak up and put my arms around her. To have but one life and throw so much away, I'll never understand. As U mentioned though, its all in the narrative and W thinks she tossing out a dusty pebble and perhaps will pick up a shiny marble. Maybe she will. I had some short term vengeance feelings which thankfully passed. More and more the victim mindset that is ingrained in me lifts. Much remains to continue clearing.
Part of my want to recon is knowing I don't want a future relationship. Besides looks pulling me in, I've not felt attraction to someone other than my wife in a long time. Partly due to my preferences and some to do with society changing, much to do with my personality type.
Forward I go. IW if you read this, I tried EMDR and it was pretty helpful in the short term. I know you mentioned it once. Worth a try. Problem is it took my anger and love filled it in which is painful as well. Not sure which is better.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated