Iím here to vent as I have had a very bad day and a bad week. Iím in the middle of a 10 day work steak and one day off in 17 and Iím barely keeping it together. This week at work has been insane for many reasons. Extremely short staffed, very complicated patients, everything going wrong. Today was an exceptional challenge. And because i ended up having to work very late, I ended up losing a great deal on a used spin bike I was supposed to pick up. I am very angry about that.
Bttfly, I keep having more examples of the reasons why I have the ultra independence. I wonít get into details, but it again happened to me today. People ask me why I never accept offered help. Itís because when I do, people usually make it guilt laden when I didnít even ask for it. People who want to be heroís, but for whatever reason they canít help and instead of telling me they canít help anymore, they come up with guilt trips instead. I donít need that. I need honestly, truth, and directness. And I hve never ever given anyone a reason for them to not be comfortable with giving that to me. Never. Itís just easier and then stressful to decline help,
I bit the bullet and called my dad yesterday because I kind of had to. What a sh!t show that was. I called when I was at work hoping this conversation would be quick. But no. It was my dad going on and on and on. Guilt trip after guilt trip, him being a martyr. I actually put the phone on speaker so my coworker could hear this. She was dumbfounded. My dad went on and on about how he is 71 and all he thinks about is his mortality and how he wakes up every day looking at the stock market to see if he has money to help me . About how he only has maybe 10 years to do fun stuff so thatís why he East her would put my kitchen on the back burner. About how he sits at home and thinks about how heís getting older and thank good for his wife when she gets home because she is so wonderful blah blah blah. How much money he spends on what. And how he doesnít mind spending it itís his choice but he spends so much. How difficult his life is. I mean, he sounded like he was losing his mind there and kept going in circles. I didnít even talk. I put the phone on speaker and mute. I just validated and I realize this is what it is. I just canít anymore.
The worst thing? There is one person I can accept help from without it being guilt laden . Youíll never believe who. Yes, my ex husband. We offer to help eachother. Itís no strings attached. If we can, we do, if we canít, we are honest about it. No hard feelings. And appreciation when we can help eachother. We keep it simple. Maybe itís not the worst thing, but surreal sometimes.
Iím also pretty sure I re-tore my meniscus. So I have a left bad knee and a right bad foot. I have an appointment next week with my knee surgeon.
I donít know know why life is beating me down so hard. I have a hard time finding what the reason is for under the premise of ďeverything happens for a reasonĒ if it wasnít for my daughter, I donít think I would care if I lived or died. At the end of the day, I just canít understand this life chosen for me. Maybe itís not something to understand. How I can have such an emotionally draining day/life and have no one to come home to for so long to be there for me.
This weekend I have my daughters best friend staying over starting tonight. They have eachother, I feed them and put on a happy face. At least she is really happy.