Originally Posted by may22
Question-- do you think that validating him right now interferes with his need to work on himself without leaning on me?

I think the bigger question is why are you asking this? Is it control? Is it fear?

You can validate people all the time w/o engaging or even accepting it as true for you. You are just understanding that they are in pain.

Originally Posted by may22
I also suggested taking more space from each other in the house. Even if we aren't separated, to not expect to spend time together in the evenings after the kids go down. To do our own thing. He didn't agree to it exactly-- I kind of laid it out there are something to consider, and he seemed open to it-- but I think the next time we talk I'll say it is what I need right now. I know I've fed this dynamic for a very very long time, and I need to constantly be thinking and consciously letting go, not interacting, not responding to him and also not dumping my own $hit on him either, which I've also done for years.

As Alison said... boundaries are actions. You really don't have to tell him anything... just take the space. I understand that when you did - he got a little panicked.. but that's in his lane.

There seems to be a pattern based on your posts that when May focuses on May... H gets uncomfortable, lashes out, acts childish...whatever. You try to communicate with him as loving as you can why you doing what you are doing in the hopes that he will respond differently. You tell him your needs hoping he will respect them. But he only does this as long as he is comfortable.

He needs to learn to get comfortable with his feelings. May you can't help him through this. That's his journey. His lane.

I feel for you and can relate in so many ways. Your relationship dynamic has taught you to control your relationship... but perhaps part of you controlling it is because if you let H be the way he is acting now - he would show you things he didn't want to see. You would have to make decisions you don't want to make.

I'm not saying a D or S, but for now.... it could just be your taking care of self. Stop pursuing him. The relationship. Etc. Let him act his way. Validate that you understand he's upset, but you still have to make the decision for YOU. And then see how the pattern changes. It will be a "HOW" if you stick to your part.

It will be uncomfortable for him. It will be uncomfortable for you. Change usually is.


M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.