I also suggested taking more space from each other in the house. Even if we aren't separated, to not expect to spend time together in the evenings after the kids go down. To do our own thing. He didn't agree to it exactly--
This is really good and it is interesting how your H is responding. You are so good at this May, it's fantastic that you are in a place where you can be liberated in your own home. My H is responding the same way - he doesn't like it if I choose to read on the bed while he is downstairs cooking dinner, or if we are watching his programme on TV and I read on my ipad, for example. I find this so frustrating - that these WAHs can live this lie of a life, not needing our company whilst being entertained by OW, but have huge expectations whilst at home (and I don't believe it is purely down to the desire to reconcile). Alison used the term 'supply' which does suggest a narcissistic trait, and I do feel it is true, that both our Hs need a constant supply of attention and are not comfortable in their own company. I do know for a fact that my H does not like himself much right now. How does your H feel about himself? .
Originally Posted by may22
In terms of trusting again... I know I've said this before but I'm a trusting fool. I can't help it, it is who I am. I have to consciously remind myself NOT to trust H right now. Maybe I'm missing a spidey sense. It has burnt me professionally and (clearly now) personally but I'm OK with it. It is part of who I am and I don't want to lose that just because H is an unworthy duck.
You and me both May - the trust counter with my H has been reset to zero (probably more like -100), but I have this amazing capability to forgive and forget. How do you interact with H when you have to remind yourself not to trust him? I am struggling with this - I still naturally want to be loving, even in the aftermath of another mini-BD, and I feel like it sends the message that I am accepting his behaviours. (I need to post about this on my own thread.)
Originally Posted by may22
In terms of communicating to him there is nothing he could do to end this M... he's said something twice over the past couple of days that was confusing to me, and I'm not sure how to respond, so I haven't. He said maybe it would be better if I could tell him if he contacted her again it would absolutely be over and I would kick him out of the house. Part of me thinks he wants an ultimatum to help him keep to his decision and the other (larger) half of me thinks he wants to be able to shove it all off on me and just wants an excuse. So I've just not responded, but would be interested in your interpretations.
When my H left amidst his 'confusion' he said he wanted to know what it felt like to really lose me, to know that I wasn't there for him as a W anymore. He said everything he had in life he had worked hard for, and he needed to feel like he had earned me. Tbh I thought this last bit was complete BS, although there is an element in truth of wanting what we cant have, thrill of the chase etc. I would say you are right on both counts - he needs to know he's used up all his 9 lives, and he wants to know that if he did transgress, he wouldn't be faced with a difficult decision of leaving you - you would kindly do it for him. I really do think your H does need to know what it feels like to have lost you. Your door is always open for him (I am guilty of the same). I would respond to his question with a question - "why do you think it will be better if I said that?"
I can see you making so much progress May. As for H, he seems to be making a concerted effort to do the right thing, even if his feelings are playing catchup. It's perfectly right that you now move forwards on your own timelines. I just wondered if you are making time for "date night" (even if under lockdown), R discussions off limits, doing something fun together just the two of you? How do you feel about showing him love and warmth? (I'm asking for myself!!)
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020