Hi Alison!!

How are you? I have been thinking of you quite a bit... figured you were taking a break from this place. Which I kind of want to do too, but am not sure I can at this exact moment. Can you give an update on how things are going with you?

I took your advice and said exactly that to H tonight about the trip, with his own words. That I'm simply not in a place to engage with him about the trip authentically. He said, OK. Then he asked, when will you be? I said, I don't know. When things are more solid. When you're over AP. He said, what if that never happens? I said, (Kind of pissed off but I don't think I showed it) then, we'll have to see, I guess. (He goes, and then what about the KIDS??? I walked away.)

I also suggested taking more space from each other in the house. Even if we aren't separated, to not expect to spend time together in the evenings after the kids go down. To do our own thing. He didn't agree to it exactly-- I kind of laid it out there are something to consider, and he seemed open to it-- but I think the next time we talk I'll say it is what I need right now. I know I've fed this dynamic for a very very long time, and I need to constantly be thinking and consciously letting go, not interacting, not responding to him and also not dumping my own $hit on him either, which I've also done for years.

What I'm trying to do right now and what I talked to my IC about today is just being, now. Just accepting what is and being OK with it. Not pushing for any particular outcome, or outlining in my head what comes next. Just being.

In terms of trusting again... I know I've said this before but I'm a trusting fool. I can't help it, it is who I am. I have to consciously remind myself NOT to trust H right now. Maybe I'm missing a spidey sense. It has burnt me professionally and (clearly now) personally but I'm OK with it. It is part of who I am and I don't want to lose that just because H is an unworthy duck. Whether with H or someone else in the future, it is important to me to be able to trust fully, again. This is something I'm not really all that worried about-- if we get there together, ok. great. if we don't, we don't, and we move on from there. But it isn't something I can or should expect today and I'm just going to not worry about it, for now.

In terms of communicating to him there is nothing he could do to end this M... he's said something twice over the past couple of days that was confusing to me, and I'm not sure how to respond, so I haven't. He said maybe it would be better if I could tell him if he contacted her again it would absolutely be over and I would kick him out of the house. I'm not sure how to interpret that and don't really know what he means. IC wondered if he's trying to push my boundaries or pull a bit of a power play. I have actually been working on for myself what I'll do if he does it again, which is-- call my mom and tell her, then call my other best friend (who doesn't know) and tell her. I think those two conversations will set enough into place for the momentum to carry me through kicking him out. The finances will all be handled in the post-nup so all we'll have to talk about is what to tell the kids and how long it will take for him to get his @ss out of the house. But, these plans are for ME, not for him. And it felt weird disclosing them to him, so I didn't. Any thoughts on this? Part of me thinks he wants an ultimatum to help him keep to his decision and the other (larger) half of me thinks he wants to be able to shove it all off on me and just wants an excuse. So I've just not responded, but would be interested in your interpretations.

Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2