One of my colleagues passed away yesterday of COVID-19. She was completely fine one day, went home, had a slight fever that evening and got tested. Was fine with nothing but a slight fever for a week and then totally crashed. Two weeks in the ICU and it looked like she was moving in the right direction but then took a turn again for the worse. We had to tell all the staff over zoom. It would have been her 30th work anniversary next month. And then the news about RGB... I ended up in an emergency half hour session with my IC yesterday evening.

Our plan-- she said she feels all my sessions are taken up by me talking about H, what he says, thinks, and does. (Sound familiar? I was a little embarrassed.) She wants to spend sessions going forward just talking about me. She said it was time for me to go into power saver mode, hunker down, and just worry about myself for awhile. Which is what I'm doing. Ordered takeout from a place I love last night, took a bubble bath, and got a good night's sleep. Made lists of movies I want to watch. Downloaded a bunch of escapist novels. Went for a drive. Hung out with my kids. Played with the kittens. Responded to one of the potential job offer people (they've all reached back out knowing I'm back from the trip now, and I couldn't get up enough whatever to engage). Have barely interacted with my H at all. Thinking about getting a hotel room for a few nights just to get some space from everything.

just wanted to say thanks to all of you for sticking with me and supporting me even when I'm having a hard time listening. the one thing I will say is that reading my journal and posts from last fall-- I may not be where I need to get, yet, but I've come a long, long way. Thanks to all of you. xx


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2