U, those things are not what I think about myself. It is what I am hearing from posters here. I do sometimes wonder if I'm being stupid or willfully blind, but I spend a lot of time introspecting on all of this and I'm generally comfortable with my choices (and, the consequences of them). I did talk about this with my IC yesterday, particularly about the number of posters who believe I don't value myself or have any self-respect. She dismissed the self-worth comments. She said she thinks boards like this can be incredibly valuable for so many reasons but that there can also be a certain amount of group-think and projections taking place. To take advice with a grain of salt and set my boundaries here just as I do IRL.
I'm definitely open to advice about things to think about or consider... I just wanted a time out on the "WTF is wrong with you for not making him leave yesterday, you must not value yourself" type comments. I think I've been pretty clear that this decision isn't happening until a few big things take place (post-nup signed, convo with AP takes place, H gives me transparency on that convo). Then I can take all the information I have. If that convo doesn't take place, or the transparency with me isn't 100% there, or I don't have some minimal level of confidence that we are at least starting from a different place than we have before, it is an easy decision. Isn't much of a decision at all, really. It is only if I do feel those things happened and there is a real chance between us that I have a choice to make at all. And we aren't there yet.
Blu, Wooba, I think I almost purposefully make H look worse than he is sometimes because I want you to believe that I'm not fooling myself, I can see the worst aspects of him and don't need it pointed out to me, that I'm not being blind to his faults. I'm trying to look at all of this from as unemotional a place as possible (recognizing that isn't ever going to be totally possible) and so it is important to me to really not be spackling over his faults. And they are MAJOR, perhaps unforgivable (but perhaps not). Maybe I emphasize them too much then. I re-read the post about the big disclosure/memento disposal ceremony and in the moment I really felt very little. I was calm. I felt empathy for AP. It was only after that I really started to realize how much anger had left, how much more at peace I felt. My IC said she thought we both got a lot of closure from it, me in finally getting the truth from H, H in my acknowledgment of the A to him in that moment. And it was strange to me that what I felt I was communicating as calm detachment read to people here as numbness. I didn't feel numb. I felt peace.
He told me last night it was done, he wasn't really happy about how it went but he thinks it is done. It was by text, not by phone. I said, OK, when you're ready to tell me about it, I'm ready to hear it. But I can't commit to any next steps with you until we have transparency on this. (And, the way he described the interaction, that he "thinks" it is done, isn't exactly confidence inspiring. But I refrained from commenting.)
He said he's sad and his IC says he needs to let himself be sad, sometimes. He said it is like a friend died. I said, you told me before, in the spring, that it was like a spouse dying, and people don't say you'll just get over your spouse. You learn to live with it. He said, I said that??? (no, I made it up.) He said, I don't remember that. (these people remember NOTHING.) But that isn't how I feel right now. So maybe you can count that as progress. Maybe.
I get it that he feels sad, and if there is any possibility of us working out, I both need to recognize this is the case and give him the space he needs to process those feelings, but also I need to protect myself. I feel that telling me he is sad is pushing on my boundaries. He isn't saying the words love or whatever, but obviously it is implied. But it is also the truth. I'm wrestling with this a bit right now. Do I want to deal with this going forward? Do I want to cut my losses and move on? I'm seeing the path ahead if he doesn't MO as really rocky for a really really really long time, if it even works.
He also told me he realized that his fantasy D situation was truly a fantasy. He had always thought it was because I wasn't allowing it, but he has come to realize that it wasn't what AP was offering, either. It was never going to happen on anyone's end. It only ever existed in his imagination. Maybe he is mourning that fantasy in a way, as well.
Pommy, I think what you're saying is absolutely right. (And I also know that sensation of the green computer lines of code just pushing pushing pushing-- that really resonates with me too.) I need time and space to let this all settle in and process everything that has happened as well as what hasn't happened before I make any moves. I need to take care of myself and sit with all this for a bit. Continue to enforce my boundaries with him. I suggested this morning that we take some space from each other for a while, like after the kids go to bed to not feel any need to hang out together, to do our own things and have that be the expectation. He said OK. He said he'd prefer to still sleep together in the bed but is open to sleeping elsewhere if that helps me. I haven't totally decided that yet.
IC made me commit to yoga, even just simple yin yoga. I think I will take you up on your suggestion to do one thing genuinely just for me... as long as you agree to do the same! We can be accountability partners in a self-care project. Sound good??
Thanks everyone xx
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2