U thanks for checking in and May, Steve, IW and U, the feedback is helpful. IW I think youre right on how the R talks further cause a chasm.

I continue to struggle not with the reality but the principles. I only believe divorce is the answer in extreme circumstances. Since it was likely to happen either way and since I'm the bread winner, the gov I'm "married to" led me to the decision that I needed to pull the plug. I see my kids happy daily with a two parent household and I still attest that family and love are why we are here on earth. Family first, always. Having it pulled away and my part of it being pulled away I'm coming to terms with as wrong as I think it is.

I've forgiven myself. I came to terms yesterday. I didn't do anything heinous, I had a personal battle to get through and that was ok to do. My wife while affected by my anxiety and ptsd, was not a target and I did not hurt intentionally, if I truly did at all. My actions have been to preserve the M and family, with the exception of filing to cover myself. I disagree with the morality behind my filing but do agree with the need to do it for self preservation.

We are getting closer to a settlement. I am enraged over the fact that I'm likely on the hook for 19 years of child support. On top of that, I'm driven to improve and advance so as I move up in career and society, my ExW who had an affair and ruined my dreams for our family gets a better life every raise I get via child support. She is not driven and has been the type to stay in a low paying job. I get that the money should go to the kids however if 1200/month works ok today, why should she get 1600/m in two years solely because the kids should have a general standard of living at both places? The hard worker is punished. After doing the math, the payments are also way more than the actual cost to raise a child. This is looking at it as a victim I know, I just dont see the positive. My W gets a guaranteed income for 19 years that will likely grow and will generally continue even if I lose my job or cannot obtain a job of similar pay and am underemployed. She has a guaranteed income and I a guaranteed debt. The debt being longer and higher than my current mortgage. The cost of my kids right now, is about 400/m. 1200/m is asinine PLUS alimony. She will actually make more than me if she has a minimum wage job due to my payments to her. It feels like a form of slavery for me to be indebted with a woman who rejected me and my family. Not for 1 to 2 years to get her on her feet but 19 years. For her, I believe in thoughts from Sandi and others that a WW has to hit bottom to change. Well since the state will have me paying enough in child support to get a 3 br townhouse in the best neighborhood here, she'll not hit bottom and may never see growth that could help her and my kids which I'd be happy to see. I'll be forced to always bail her out, which hinders growth from us both.

My W becomes more polarized. Her disregard and disrespect for men in general seems to grow when we talk about the state of the world. I cant think of a man in her life she respects which worries me for my son. I see it alot already, she punishes some of his actions which are masculine traits seen in most boys. I will not be joining in on raising him the exact same way as my daughter. They are different and its ok to raise them differently. I am raising him and my daughter to help ensure their happiness and success. She stopped her counseling as soon as she was served so I know it was only done to give me breadcrumbs and keep me from filing, for whatever reason (s). My fondness of her took a large hit from this.

Overall, my disdain is moving from my sitch to the state. 19 years of those payments means I wont retire early and cant slowly retire through hour reduction or job status lowering for quite some time. I will be a servant to the system. I'll see my W live in luxury, probably in our house while I live in a 2 BR apartment or with my father. I make just enough to not get any assistance yet I would qualify if you consider what I earn after paying her mortgage via child support. This has me struggling on self improvement. No point earning more and getting a 2nd job if I'll owe her that much more and it'll become the new amount I have to pay for up to 19 years. It's like W is rewarded for divorcing and i am punished. I'm losing money, a friend, a wife and half my kids childhoods, she gains financially, loses half the time with the kids and gets someone who was "toxic" not just mostly out of her life but she gets to see me punished for a 3rd to a quarter of life.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated