May, I am sorry our direct advice and comments have become hurtful or frustrating for you. I hear you. I can certainly be more mindful of what I say. Iím not sure if this helps, but often when another personís thread triggers us, our own advice can become just as much aimed at ourself (subconsciously) as it is towards that poster. I know for me, your husbands behavior and continued lack of regard for your boundaries (ie the memory box and having you process that with him despite you telling him for a year you do not want to discuss OW) absolutely enrages me. I imagine other posters feel similar ó they have come to adore you and then see this man mistreat you and they just want to rescue you.
We are all different tho in our personal psychologies and desires. I think it was Wayfarer (?) who even posted that because both of you had an in home separation, that your situations were more unique and similar, and she suggests that others do not understand as well. I see this a lot here, myself included, where a poster tries to make a connection by finding similarities. I do also happen to think our one million subtle differences that are not reflected in our writings are equally as important and so we do need to be cautious of that. You are far, far more tolerant of your Hs selfishness than I ever was. I would have kicked him to the curb long ago before ever considering him back. Honestly, with everything he has done and said, I donít think I ever would be with a man like that. You have also told me before that him moving out felt like a place of no return, whereas for me, it was the only way I could have my dignity and space to see what life was like Dd. So we are different. But there are also subtle differences in just who we are as people and details we donít think to share here.
Hard truths that feels like judgmental advice hurts. I admire all of you for sharing your stories. I didnít share until years after my H came back. But I did have people that told me things I did not what to hear. I even lost a couple friends in it all. The therapist I was seeing definitely would rub me wrong! She would tell me to get over things, this wasnít about OW (who was a friend) and it wasnít about her daughter and my Ds friendship. Her insensitivity at times infuriated me. Now looking back on that years later, I can actually see her points. Because Iím not in the thick of it or trigggred by it. She was forcing me to think about things differently and not just wallow in my own self pity. I think I needed to hear that
So someone just posted for you to cherry pick the advice you want to hear but I am suggesting otherwise. I want you to understand how different, not just similar, we all are. People are saying things for a reason. Partly their own triggers from their sitch, but more so a lot of us see a terrible injustice here. May, you what to really understand your H and make sense of this, and that just shows what a beautiful person you are. But we also see you allowing so much neglect of your boundaries, emotional abuse and the continued selfishness. Iím not sure you can even see how toxic this all is because you are stuck in the middle of it. Like a child in a war torn country just trying to survive. And others around you want to help but genuinely dont know how.
I will respect your boundary and not give you advice. I will say, I hope you have a very good IC that can help you work through your emotional trauma. There must be a million subtleties we are not reading. If we teach people how to treat us than why have you taught him to step all over you for years? And I also donít believe this is about the kids. I have 3 daughters and it would make me sick to think of a man treating them this way. So maybe when you are ready, can you really think about why so many people here ARE telling you to kick him to the curb. You know we care about you. And you know we are saying it for some reasons. I think this will become more clear to you years down the road either way, but for now, it might be worth just thinking about.
ďForgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.Ē Ė Nelson Mandela