Ginger-- thank you, I really appreciate that and it isn't you. It was just getting overwhelming. I know that every single person that takes the time to post here on other people's threads is doing so out of caring and compassion and what they've learned from their own experiences. I feel like my H when he freaks out and tells me to stop solutioning and listen. I guess in this moment I'm looking for a little more validation and a little less concrete advice.

Valeska-- I looked up Vicky Tidwell Palmer, thank you. Really interesting.

Cardinal-- somehow permission to just focus on the next moment, the next breath, makes relief sweep through me. Thank you.

Wooba-- hugs back to you. xoxo

SamCal-- what you wrote is really helpful and is resonating. You're right in that kicking him out solves a problem for him by taking the decision out of his hands, but doesn't necessarily solve my problems. And his problems are his problems. I feel so strongly about this-- maybe it is a teeny bit of pettiness, but if he really wants/wanted to leave, he needs to stand up and do it himself, not get me to do his dirty work for him. I just feel a wave of resentment at that idea. He's got to make his own decisions and figure out his own stuff. I have enough on my plate right now. i really like how you put it--saving my own emotional bandwidth for myself, and giving him the dignity to fail.

Also... thank you for saying it out loud-- I *am* ready to take the consequences of this decision (once I get that postnup signed-- having that in place takes away a lot of the potential negative consequences of not splitting now when he's feeling guilty). I feel I'm pretty clear-eyed on that one.

The thing is... I *was* terrified of being on my own, for months and months. The thought of starting over, of being single, of losing my health insurance, of failing ... that was enormous for me. Thanks in great part to this board, over the past year I have slowly gone through each one of my fears and faced them... all but the children one. The fear of hurting my kids along with the selfish loss of time with them is still not dealt with. But if it wasn't for them... honestly, to me the easy path is to tell him to go. It feels so attractive. I am well aware staying is the rockier and longer path, with no guarantee of success.

Sage, I get it now...time to rethink the paradigm and put me and the kids in the middle of the paper instead of H. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I love the idea of a fresh piece of paper, taking my time to decide where things go, what direction we want to go in, and how to let H do his thing without pushing his emotional processing onto me. If I do decide to stay, I think this time I will have to have much clearer boundaries around this than I have in the past.

xoxo thanks you guys. Thinking of all of you.

Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2